Lyla

I know we say this all the time but time sure is flying by. Lyla is a reminder of that, she is growing, transforming, learning , changing faster than my mind that get a grip of it. As a wrestle with life's challenges I am constantly reminded to slow down, that life is short , that these little moments may never come by again. So I want to take a moment and register how awesome my child is. She is so transparent with her feelings ... when se smiles the whole world shines but boy when she is mad it is like an earthquake. I taught her since she could talk to use her words to express her feelings so she is not shy to tell me... Mommy I am mad, Mommy this is so cool, Mommy I love you, Mommy I am sad, Mommy this hurts my feelings, mommy I am happy, mommy I am scared, mommy that's unfair. I try to be as transparent with her... the other day I broke down and cried in front of her and I explained to her that I cried because I was frustrated and she had no idea what that meant. We had a long talk and explored new feelings ... frustration, curiosity, excitement, hope, faith... She is generous about her compliments to people. Its really adorable and a fantastic characteristic to have and if i may say so myself I think she got ti for me. I constantly tell her how beautiful she is and she does the same with me. She compliments my cooking, a new outfit, a new hair style. She tells random people... I love your shoes, I like this dress on you, you have pretty eyes, she recognizes when her little friends do a good job and she praises the, she writes a bday card to each one of them and draws pictures for me almost every morning so I can take with me to work. If you need to boost your confidence take Lyla shopping with you. As you try the outfits in the dressing room , she will make you feel like one million $$$ and shower with compliments!! She has such an amazing memory. One time we went to a restaurant and I returned my food because it was too salty. A few months later we went there again and I ordered the same thing and she told me... but mommy you don't like this food, it is too salty. She reminisces a lot about little things we did, places we went when she was a toddler. I am happy that she has happy memories. I taught her my phone # for safety. I did not know she had memorized it yet until the teacher told me that she wrote down my number in several pieces of paper and gave to all her friends at school. Call me maybe? haha. She wants to learned how to write our address and directions to give it away for her friends so they can come for sleep overs... oh boy! She has a crush on this boy called Brody. They've been best friends for 2 years. She learned how to spell Lyla and Brody forever and she writes it in every piece of paper she can find lol. When I was back from my trip I went to pick her up at school and when i opened the bad that her dad had left there with her clothes, I found Brody's picture that she took from the name tag wall that they have at school. I questioned her why she did that, that she cant take things without asking. her reply... but he is so cute. Sometimes I am having a terrible day and she says something that completely snaps me out of it. The other day, I was 30 mins late to pick her up at school due to an accident at the highways. I apologized that I was so late and told her there was because an accident. She said: what kind of accident?. I dismissed her question and kept on driving annoyed about my day. She asked again... and I just said just an accident Lyla, why does it matter?. She said... can you just tell me if it was poop or pee? haha. I laughed so hard. She was quite offended that I was laughing. I apologized and said it was poop... I rather her not find out just yet that potty accidents are not the only kind of accidents that there are. She is inquisitive. Maybe it is an age thing but she is curious about faith , death, marriage, divorce and life in general... and she asks hard questions like "why cant I see God?, "Why Igor died (my cousin) and when do I get to see him again?" , "Why do we live so far away from our family?", "why do i have to speak two languages?", "why people have different hair, eye and skin color"? , "why do I have 2 houses?" I love verything about her... I am so blessed to have her in my life! Love you sweet Lyla Here are some of our Holiday pictures... my beautiful family of 2

Emotions

I feel a desperate need to write right now... to get some this weight off my chest, but my thoughts have been so disorganized lately. I am also afraid to acknowledge some of these emotions that I have been feeling in the past weeks, because I don't know if I can deal with them if they come to the surface. I am happy and sad, hopeful and skeptic, driven and exhausted, exited and down all at the same time... like a tornado of emotions that clash and surface at random times. I am too rational to be depressed ... or better, I am blessed not to be depressed. Instead I feel that I am in a battle with these emotions, trying to rationalize and compartmentalize them in a manageable way. Most of my joy comes from Lyla and most of my sadness comes from watching my daughter struggle with her relationship with her father. I have spent countless hours talking to her, crying with her, reassuring her, and above all loving her. But I feel so impotent because me being the best mother I can does not make up for the fact that she misses her father. I see him drifting way, like he did with me... falling out of love with his own child and I can only sit here powerless and guide her through her emotions. My conversations with him are pointless, his efforts are minimal , his once excitement about her is fading away ...I cant wrap my mind around it. The depth of my disappointment is hard to explain. I dont know what to do, I have sought professional help... I am trying to protect her with all that I have and also give all her a change to grow up with a father. Where do I draw the line? I took a few days offfrom work, while her father was on vacation (again) with his new family. She was so sad... why didn't dad take me? He did not even explain to her he was going to be out of town again (he had been gone 1 month a few weeks earlier). She cried afraid he was not coming back... I reassured him that he would... He did.. but he came back even more detached. I know him way too well to know what's next and I am sad for my baby, so sad... the numbing kind of sadness. I need to make decisions ... I am so tired of making decisions... so tired. On a happy front, we have a new place and we are loving it. Its bigger and its us. I have been carefully decorating it and I am so proud of our home. Lyla loves her room and sleeps there all by herself... I am amazed. I am have my room, my first room alone ever. Its weird, feels lonely at times, feels too grown up for me , but I am loving it . Lyla learned how to swim... all by herself. She is so scared of the water, but I asked her to be brave and she was... I cried proud tears!! Lyla is craving family time... I miss my family. I need to make some decisions about that as well. Work has been hard. I need more time to devote to it, but I can't. I need to find a new job soon, the next step on my career. I cant be a postdoc forever. But for that I need my green card. I am waiting to hear from the immigration services. I am so nervous about it. Its a huge deal. I dont have a plan B. Luckily, I have been receiving some good news on the work front as well. Ive been working really hard to get my work published and it was finally accepted yesterday. I was thrilled!! my boss was proud, so maybe he will be off my back for a little while. I also got an award to attend a leadership and career development seminar in San Diego for Women in science. Its going to be pretty cool. My best friend , my last single friend is blissfully in love. We got divorced a few months apart and we have kept each other sane throughout this process. I am so so happy for her. She found an awesome man who adores her and treats her like no other ever has... That means that I am the last of the Mohicans . I did not expect this to hit me like it did... I am happy for her but scared for me. Maybe because I am coming out of yet another failed relationship, one that never reached its full potential but it dragged on for long enough to feel comforting. I've had 2 boyfriends after my divorce, this time it has been hard because I fell for him. But I am wise enough to know when its time to walk away, so I did. I never walk away from anything, but for my sake, I had to. I told my friend that I am beginning to understand why she has so many walls up because I feel mine coming up and they are tall. She told me... Cibele, I had to protect myself... Like you have to protect your heart.. the right person will be more than willing to climb these walls. So here I stand trying to protect my heart and trying to stay hopeful. Its feels secure by very lonely behind these walls. My faith has kept me strong and grounded, but I am beginning to think that God thinks that I am stronger than I am.

There are places I remember...

2 years ago I moved out of my home with my then 18 month old , we left almost everything behind to star a new life just the 2 of us. I was scared, heartbroken and did know how life was going to be as a single mother. Before then I had never had a place of my own. I moved from my parents home at the age of 21 to my new home with my then husband. It was little place . but our place. In 2 years this little apartment has been the witness of many life defining events. I remember sitting on the floor of a the empty apartment right before I moved in and I said a prayer asking God to guide me, to let that house be a place of happiness, not of sorrow.. to help me be wise with money and to manage everything on my own, pay my bills, keep a healthy environment for Lyla...I asked for no more tears. I can tell you that my prayers were answered ... There were tears, but tears of liberation, tears of growth, and tears of joy... Here I watched my little toddler morph into a gorgeous articulated, opinionated preschooler. Here I watched her crib turn into a toddler bed then a big girl's bed! Here the barbies and princesses arrived like a pink storm! and I love it!!! Here I packed up for my trip to Brazil with Lyla and many more adventures after that. Here I found out awful but liberating truths, here I waked in confidently with my divorce papers finalized knowing that I would be okay. Here I got ready for my first date post divorce and many more after that. Here I introduced my fist boyfriend to close friends. Here I walked in and out as a confident single woman who doesn't need to be rescued and who is not willing to settle. Here I had friends over to celebrate major professional victories, here I saw how good I am with money and how I can manage a household on my own. I am packing again to move on up . Lyla and I are getting a bigger place, new furniture, our own bedrooms again... This new place will have only our stuff. No ghosts allowed! Last time I boxed old memories, letters, photos and put in to the storage without even looking into them . I couldn't deal with then back them. Last weekend I opened up the pandora boxes. Ready to deal with the memories and let them go. Cant tell you that I didn't cry but it felt right. I let Lyla pick a few photos of us from a time before her, from a happy era. We talked about it. I showed her the wedding pictures ... she was confused , asked many questions but we dealt with it. She loved the pictures of her dad and I when we were young, 18 and 20. She wanted the wedding album.. All fitted into a small box, for her. The rest is gone with the wind. It felt good!!!! I will forever cherish the happy years but I dot need keepsakes, they are more like dead weight and I don't want them anymore. The hardest part was letting go of all Lyla's baby stuff. I chose some special things and donated the rest. It felt right as well, but painful. It symbolizes me accepting that its okay if I don't have another baby and if I do I will sure I will be able to get new stuff!! Lyla had a blast looking at her baby clothes. I showed her the pics of her wearing them. We talked about when she was little... she chose her favorites, I chose my favorites and its all in a pink box. We talked about sharing and about the little girls those clothes and toys were going to. I saved some for my niece. She understood the process and she had fun with me doing it. We was able to bless many people with the things we donated. Awesome little girls who will look just as adorable wearing those outfits and playing with those toys. I actually saw a little girl wearing some of Lyla's dresses at church. It actually many really happy. Tonight my friend is coming by to get her crib. I am sure that will be hard, but the crib must go too, to make room to an awesome fairy princess bedroom! Got lose a little to gain a lot! I also let it go of a entire box of fertility books. It made me thinking of the longing for a child, the ache, feeling hopeless ... it seemed so distance and yet so raw. Most importantly it make me grateful and reminded me that dreams do come true. So I will keep on dreaming. sometimes takes time, but I will keep on dreaming.. at a brand new place, perfect for the both of us...

6 years... my metamorphosis, our friendship and everything in between

6 years ago I was feeling very overwhelmed with life... I wanted a baby so much. I was navigating the world of TTC after my miscarriage in 05 and had been trying for over 1 year. I had visited a few TTC forums and ran across Serenity's blog. She had just started blogging. I felt inspired by her honesty ... I need to journal about my journey and I was desperate to connect with other women who could relate to my feelings of longing for a child, so I started my blog! May 22 2006. I was 27 years old, married and childless. My marriage felt strong, I thought I could not have chosen a better pattern in life and a father for my future child. I started writing in Portuguese (my native language), but soon after I found "stirrup Queens' blog" and she left a comment on my blog using a translator (very sweet of her). I then started posting in English and little by little I made friend... women that like me were aching with empty arms or longing to make their families complete...I felt part of a community, loved, understood and supported. I poured out my heart and you guys listened, didn't judge and supported me. The name of my blog was "Hopeful" . I was hopeful! naive even... time toke this hope away many times... it kept coming back, thanks to your encouragement. That innocence ... has never returned. I am okay with it, I just miss it sometimes. 2007 , I was almost 3 years into my journey. I re named my blog, "So I wait for you"... waiting for my baby, but waiting on God as well, for His will to be done in my life ... I felt a sense of peace but I was tired ... no, exhausted! TCC took a huge hit on my marriage so I decided to take a break from it. You guys stood by me! May 07 I got my PhD. You celebrated me!. There was a storm of BFPs and I got hopeful again. June I started my new job, which meant fertility coverage now. July I took clomid (before we would try IUI). August I got my BFP!! I was so so so excited, you guys celebrated with me and held your breath with me during the critical early weeks and the many scares later on... you celebrated my baby bump, rejoiced when I founded out I was having a girl, cheered me up when I went on bed rest. There were so many of us pregnant at the same time... remember??? truly exciting times!!! March 08 I was blessed with little girl and you guys showered us with love... I re named my blog "My wait is over". I felt complete, lucky, blessed for having my daughter. The once virtual friendships were now becoming real ones. Solid friendships!! Early motherhood was challenging, but I learned from you and with you so much ! Our little kids were growing up together in some ways. We were growing together as well. The joy turned into sorrow and 08 closed with the biggest shock of my life! I found myself alone, heartbroken, sacred, so scared!!! and you guys gave me shoulder to cry on and let me pour out my pain into posts, raw posts, angry posts, desperate posts, sad posts... and you left beautiful heartfelt comments as I navigated through the biggest storm of my life thus far . At times I felt that I could only be "real" here. It was like a refuge, you could handle my ugly side, my fears and my profound pain even though you could not relate. As time went by people pressured me to be okay, but you didnt , you understood, you were so patient with me. And some of you went through storms of your own, and we "held" hands together through the fire (Love you Amy!!). 2010 came with promises of new beginnings, chapters were closed, and you celebrated the woman I was becoming and celebrated Lyla's milestones with em. 2011 I felt that I did not belong here... I was no longer the 27 years old woman TTCing, or the 29 year old with the new child... Many of you were TTCing again or with baby # 2 on the way. I wanted to stop blogging , but you said that I still belong! We connected in many other ways... the blog's nick names turned into real names over FB, you let me in, and accepted my invitations to be part of my crazy life. So here I am 6 years later, May 2012... a 33 year old single mother of a gorgeous little girl. TTC survivor, a divorcee navigating the complicated world of dating.. still a blogger, still your friend. I have no idea where the next 6 years will take me, I gave up trying to guess. I would've never have guessed 6 years ago that I would be at this position now... My heart still longs for so much. I am still trying to built this family of my dreams... desperately waiting to feel complete. Maybe, here and now should be enough before it feels complete.... that's why I re named my blog "we've got all the strength we need in the shape of us" and "us" include Lyla and I, and my family, and also includes you, my dear blog friends. Thanks for 6 years of support, love and true friendship. Thanks for being part of my journey and witness of my metamorphosis throughout these 6 years.

At bed time...

Lyla and I have been having some hard conversations at bed time... too complicated concepts for her little mind, too hurtful topics fro my mother's heard. Her dad got married in March, his wife went back to Brazil waiting for visa, her and 2 kids will be here late June. Lyla has seen her twice, one of these days being the wedding day . At bed time: Lyla: Mom, soon I will be a sister! I take a deep breath Me: really Lyla, how so? Lyla: Well, R and R (her kids) are coming in June (first time I hear this info) and I will be a sister. Me: How do you feel about that Lyla? she smiles with excitement and she asks me if I am equally excited for her. I try to fake a smile and I say... I am happy that you are happy about it Lyla. My minds races and think of how much I wanted to make her a big sister. While I entertain these thoughts she hits me with even harder questions. Lyla: So, if they are my brother and sister and A my mother? I sit up in bed.... of course NOT Lyla, I am your mother. I sound defensive and even intimidating. I caught myself and switch back to a more approachable voice. They are your step siblings Lyla and she will be your ... I hesitate... you step mom... (I hate that word , but technically that what she is , or will become) Lyla: Dad said she is my new mom. My blood boils and i struggle to keep my composure ... No, she will be your STEP mom. Lyla: I think you should be the step mom! I feel stabbed on the heart... my world spins ... I die... all within a few seconds. NO LYLA, DONT EVEN SAY THAT. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AM YOUR MOTHER!!!!!!!! She cries, a hurt silent cry. I cry!! not even trying to hide it. I then remember that I am talking to a 4 year old child, who adores me and she doest even know what she is talking about. I put myself together and hold her and apologize... Lyla do you even know what step mom means? Lyla: No mommy, is it a mom with only one kid? I hug her. Lyla: I am confused mommy. Me: I know baby. I wait until she falls asleep then I fall apart ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I put myself together and call her dad. I told him that Lyla may even come to call her step mom or mom if she chooses so (That will kill me but for what i've read its common for her age)... but A has seeing my child TWICE and such tittles are earned so pleas stop brain washing my daughter. She is impressionable and will believe anything her father says. This is all so hard my friends

Happy 4th Birthday Lyla

Dear Lyla, I can’t believe another whole year has gone by. Tomorrow you will be 4!!! Look at you!!! You are so FOURtastic!

You are so smart, so funny, so talkative, sassy... little miss personality!! I love our conversations my sweet daughter, you always let your imagination fly high and freely. I love the face you make when you know that whatever you are saying is so outside the box that cant be possibly true… this face, I caught on camera!

You are a composer, there is always a sweet little creative song coming out of your mouth. You can even rhyme!!! Your song are so hilarious and creative, I think that you think that your life is a musical!!!maybe it is!! Your voice is so raspy and your dance moves to go along with the songs are sassy and charming.

You also love books and they too feed your imagination. I like how the highlight of your bedtime routine is to decide what 3 books to pick then we snuggle and read together. Your favorite books now are Llama Llama red pajama, if you give a mouse a cookie, the entire Fancy Nancy series… you know them by heart. You LOVE your baby dolls, you are a great mother to them. You give them crazy names,… there is “Its”, “Obama stripes”, “verde”, Lyla 2,3 and 4”, “Broody Jackson”, “Kingston” . You spend hours taking care of them, putting them on time out, giving them encouraging speeches, making sure they are changed and fed and go to their daycare. You told me that you cant wait to be a grown up so you can be a mother. Don’t be too eager to grow up baby… slow down… please… I need you to slow down!!! You also love your toy kitchen, you make me “fancy dinners” and Birthday parties all the time. You insist on the dress code… high heels and a hat are a must!!! And I am happy to oblige.

I love when I come home from a crazy day at work and I sit you on the kitchen counter and you snack on something while I make dinner. And we talk about our day, we sing along with the radio, or you just simply watch me and later copy me at your toy kitchen. You think that is awesome when you find one of my kitchen utensils that match your toy ones! Speaking of food, boy you are picky. You don’t eat bread, pasta, pizza, cheese, egg yokes… you like raw carrots, steamed broccoli, corn in a cob, melon, all the berries, rice, beans, chicken… I suppose you like the good stuff, but trust me McCheese is sooooooo yummy! At school you are awesome. You don’t like waking up to go so early but once you are there, you thrive !!! you are writing your name now and some other words. Mom was your first one!! Numbers are not your forte so far, I love that you count Ten, eleventeen, twelveteen… I suppose I should correct you! Its just too cute. You will start pre K soon and you cant hardly wait to mingle with the “big kids”. Again… slow down my child… I am not ready to call you a big kid just yet :)

This was again a year of many adventures and firsts... We went to New York City

We had your first camping trip

You went to your first play (Cinderella)

first visit to the "grown up" museum (Monnet e exhibit)

First concert (Fresh beat band) ... how you love them

got your first stitches (on your forehead)... unfortunately

You wrote your first word (mom)

learned to ride your bike, got done with Potty training (even overnight), had your sweetheart first dance…

Its has been a a year of big changes and I hate that you have to understand such big concepts at such young age. You are doing great and I will do my best that you stay the same!! HAPPY

CURIOUS

ADVENTUROUS

I love the way you love me my Lyla and the way you captivate so many around you with your personality. Keep growing little girl, but please know that you are going to be forever my baby... my LYLA!!! Love you so much. Thanks for letting me know all the time how much you love me as well. Happy 4th birthday Lyla!!

Tomorrow we will celebrate in style, as we always do. A princess bday party fit for a real princess!. I cant wait!! Love you Your mother

Growing pains

Lyla met the new Mrs Monday (A), the wedding is this Friday… the days in between have been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs and everything in between. Lyla and I are both in a steep learning curve. I have to remind myself that she is not even 4 yet and these are complicated topics and she is caught in between 2 realities and that she doesn’t mean much when she says things… With that been said, I can’t deny that it has been hard… scratch that has been painful …growing pains!

At some instances my blood boils, other times I have a chill traveling through my spine, but mostly I feel like I have been punched on the stomach, it’s a sickening feeling

On my way to pick Lyla up at daycare Tuesday I dreaded what I was going to hear . On our way home she said… Mommy, A is my new best girl ever.. that’s how she calls me, I am her best girl ever. Jesus, I wanted throw up. I knew I could not go home, I would break down. It was a beautiful day so we went to the park… I sat there with my sunglasses on and sobbed quietly behind my shades while Lyla ran blissfully through the park. All of the things I could first hear this was one of the worst ones… thats my title... I know she did not mean much ... but I was heartbroken nonetheless

After this first conversation Lyla has mentioned A a few times, it comes when I least expect it
Today at bath time, when I had let my guard down Lyla asked me…

mommy, do you like A? I take a deep breath!

I don’t know her honey (its true, I don’t know her)

So you don’t like her?

Lyla dear, If you like her and she likes you, I will like her as well (thats true too)

Mommy… I tried the wedding dress. I keep my composure

you mean the flowed girl dress?

yes mommy, its pretty, too bad you cant see it. Dad said that you cant come

Thats true... but you are coming home after the wedding and we will have a fun Saint Patrick’s day

We talk about Saint Patty's day for awhile and play with her bath toys


Mommy, It’s A going to be there?
Yes Lyla, she is marrying Dad remember? She is the bride

No she is not, you are the bride mommy (I swallow bitter tears... I want so badly to tell her about our wedding, when I was the bride, but I think that now it will just confuse her)

No Lyla, not mommy. A and dad are getting married

then I want to be the bride mommy…

You cant Lyla… I am marrying dad

She cries

I do too


As I said... growing pains