"We've got all the strength we need in the shape of us": July 2011

Growing up I did not have friends... I did not need them, I had family and they were enough. I am #2 grandchild, # 1 girl. We are many, over 30 grandchildren, but the five oldest really grew up together like brothers and sisters, we were inseparable. Anderson, Myself, Ricardo, Igor and Dani.. I was the only girl. They loved me, protected me, taught me to be tough, they always had my back always... My fondest childhood memories is of the 5 of us cousins spending summer at the family's house in the countryside. My aunt was courageous enough to take all of us, she is my favorite aunty ever. Igor, her son, was grandson #4 and he adored me. We have always been neighbors, My mom and my aunt are inseparable. Dani was grandson # 5, him and Igor were very close, Dani passed away last October on a motorcycle accident. So tragic and so unexpected. Igor took his death really hard. Igor,was killed last Friday. He was killed, a bar fight gone very wrong.

I got the news in the morning on my way to work. I was in shock. My family was still coming to terms with Dani's death, now 9 months later we are grieving again. I took the news very hard. He was my brother. Igor had a very troubled teen and young adult life. Igor made really bad decisions in life. Drugs took away his best years. We all tried, tried so hard! we would accept our help but could not hold on to it for too long. All of us at some point have given up on him. I know I did. Last time I went home he was doing great, was sober. He met Lyla, played with her, we went everywhere together. He was a big kid in heart, a laugh that was so unique, a story telly, always exaggerating the facts to makes us laugh. He was loving, caring, loud, life of any party. I was the sister he never had. I will miss him terribly. I spoke with my aunty today, she is so strong... we cried together and reminisced about the past, when we were both kids and we had a life of possibilities ahead of us. I wish he had made better choices, I wish he was not a slave of addiction. We all wish we could have done more for him... In the end addiction did not kill him, or did it? It turns out he bought a fight that was not even his. This was hitting on his girlfriend and he grabbed him to stop. The guy came back later and killed him, shot him on his back 4 times. He never even saw it coming.

My mom is so heartbroken. I have never seen her that way. He was always at my mom's house, my mom was his God Mother, like a son to her, my aunty is her best friend... she is grieving for her 2 sisters aching for the death of their sons. The 5 of us now is only the 3 of us + the rest of us…. I cant believe this is happening.

Saturday morning I drove Lyla to her swimming lesson with a heavy heart knowing that my dear cousin was being driven back to her favorite place on earth, the place where we spent our summers playing like 5 city kids who felt so free on the country side … 5 kids that dreamed of being a cowboy, a firefighter, a superhero, a doctor and a ballarina. As I drove I revisited those childhood memories, I heard that loud laugh, and that kid like face, these eyes that admired me so much even when I was so harsh with him telling him to turn things around. I told Lyla about him and I told her how I wished I was home with our family.

I am happy he is free to be the big kid he has always been, free of addiction, free to be the superhero that he always wanted to be! He was buried yesterday close to my grandpa, who passed away when I was pregnant, and with Dani, his best buddy, ourcowboy!

Here is my dear family last time I went home. Family reunion happens everyday. Igor is the one center with the light green shirt.