A Plead

Dear sweet Lyla, I love you and I love spending time with you, but come on.... we don;t have to play and watch wonder pets at 4:30 am for the 3rd day in a roll...your mommy is tired, very tired, please please get into a normal sleeping schedule again. I know that your molars are bothering you , but understand if you sleep you will feel better, I will feel better . Mommy just needs 5 min to get ready for work in the morning, that is not much, is it??? I know that is a job for 2 people , but there is only me here, you have to work with me baby because mommy is running out of energy.I will be here for you no matter what but I need your help. I know it is not fair for me to ask you that , you are only 15 months old (today!) but mommy is very tired... we have a long weekend ahead of us and we can have lots of fun , I promise that I will not complain if yo don;t sleep but during the week I need to work and for that I need some rest, we can wake up 6:30 instead, deal??
LOVE YOU

Happy 15 months

15 months

It is unbelievable that she will be 15 months soon ( the 30th). She had her 15 month appointment today. She is 26 lbs 5oz (90%) and 32 1/2" (85%). I was happy to tell the doctor that she using 100% sip cup, that she is walking, actually running, waving, pointing, clapping, dancing.. all the cool stuff that I get to brag about. I also could not wait for the question: is she sleeping on her crib? YES , Yes she is and she is putting herself to sleep... I was proud of myself LOL... I told her that still wakes up many times. She told me to give her some Motrin at bed time because she is 4 molars coming out at the same time. 4???? that is brutal! I told her that she does not say many words. She said is normal for children exposed to more than on language. I am trying to work with her in pointing the body parts. So for she only points consistently to her hair, feet and nose, with the rest she is all confused LOL. I try to say things in both languages all the time and she seems to choose whatever is easier for her. She understands commands in all 3 languages. During the day her baby sitter speaks with her mostly in Farsi. She seems to have created her own language and I have no idea what she says most of the time LOL
She has a temper, OMG, she is into having tantrums lately, but they come and go fast. She is happy most of the time. The "bad behavior" at day care was an isolated event.
Last night she started crying at 4 am, I ignored for 15 min and she went back to sleep. At 7 am I went to check on her and I saw her bare bottom up in the air and her diaper on the floor. She took her diaper off in the middle of the night, threw it across the room and felt asleep butt naked (with shirt only). The crib and her were all wet because she peed. I should have taken a picture, naughty naughty girl! Nor more sleeping without PJ's bottoms for her.

being open , sharing my heart

Today I watched the 1 hour special of John and Kate plus 8. I set in front of the tv and I cried , actually I sobbed. I saw my life (different circumstances) played out in front of my eyes. Their body language, the disconnect, the pain, the sadness over broken dreams, the innocent kids... so familiar, so familiar. No matter what are the circumstances, breakups are hard, very hard for everybody involved. One would never never know "how far and how wide" the pain goes until you are in the middle of it ( I hope that you never will). I never thought that would be my life, but it is, sadly I became a statistic. Our almost 12 years together will be summarized in a few lines in the future. My heart breaks all over again writing this.
As sad and as hard it is, the "show" must go on. I (we) try to make the best out of this situation. I refuse to let any of this affect what kind of mother I am and will forever be for Lyla. For her I swallow my pride on the daily basis so she can have happy childhood memories with her momma and dadda like any other kid ( at least for now, during these transition times). I refuse not to celebrate the Holidays, even the painful ones, like father's day yesterday. I walk the fine line between what is best for her and what is healthy for me, for my sanity. I've cried hard tears (still do) while still smiling with genuine joy when we do things together. Like with infertility, people don;t know how to approach me, they often say hurtful things, they often judge. I probably did the same when I lived in my bubble. I try to stand tall and with my head held high even though inside I feel like inferior and a failure.
I will forever forever love him as the father of my daughter, as my first love, as the one that taught me how to dream big, how to drive, how to speak English, how to love music... even though I haven't forgiven him for breaking my heart in a million tiny pieces, for breaking his vows of forever, for giving up without a fight... Even though I will never understand his motives , I can't only accept and respect his decisions. One can not force love, it has to be spontaneous, it is free... Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I felt this love before and it is the loss of this love that I am grieving. I miss and love the man that I married, the one I wish my baby would know, the one I chose to parent with me, not the one that he became. But she loves him, she loves her daddy and he loves her back. The one that I love is long gone, the one that she loves is here for her, not for me. It has been a long and difficult year for me so far, but slowly I can see and think more clearly, the rain is not yet gone, but I am hoping that it will be soon.

I usually don't talk about it here on this blog,because this is my mommy blog, my happy blog and some things are just too personal to share here. I thought about them, how hard it must be to do it on tv, to be exposed like this. I just wanted to share a piece of my heart with you all. Every picture that I post here , every smile , every happy, sad, mad, worried post, it is all genuine and real. I am a women of many layers, some bitter, some sweet... all very real!
Thanks for reading...

learning to be the mother of a toddler

It seems that Lyla's "bad" behavior at daycare was an isolated event. I've been calling once a day to check on her, and her babysitter says she is back to her normal sweet happy self. She is very happy when I pick her up and does not seem bored al all. I guess we all have all bad days and she is allowed to have hers LOL. On the sleep front we have been making progress, baby steps , but I am counting my blessings. She completely stopped taking the "middle of the night" drink. She is putting herself to sleep again and sleeps where she is suppose to be : her crib!!!!! She still wakes up a million times upset that she is there alone, it is very tiring having to wake up so many times, but I will keep up with the sleeping training. Yesterday she actually slept 6 uninterrupted hours. It was bliss, I woke up like a new woman. If somebody does not know better would think talking about a newborn LOL this baby to toddler transition is not easy and it seems that I having to learn everything all over again. I love having a toddler though, she interacts with me much more now, in a more intentional way. If ask for a hug, she gives me one big bear hug, if I ask e for a kiss, she blows the sweetest kisses, she gets my jokes, selects the books she wants to "read", walks, runs, dances... I love driving and looking at the mirror and seeing her there, I love her to pieces!!!! we are both changing and learning.

look at her wearing a special hat made by her great grandmother , came all the way from Brazil just for her!!!!!!!

Behavior

Every time I get at daycare Lyla caregiver praises her, tells me how sweet she is, how happy she is ... today was a different story, she was is trouble. She threw a big toy in her little 11 month old friend twice and left a mark on her forehead. She has never done this before, I had to apologise to the little girl's mother. Lyla goes to a home daycare, I love there, I love her caregiver, she is loving , takes great care of her, cooks healthy food, is flexible with time and is affordable. Lyla used to be the youngest but now all the older kids are gone and she is now the oldest. Out of the 5 kids there , 3 are babies , one 11 month old girl and Lyla. Lyla is the only one walking and doigng toddler things. I think she is bored. I am afraid that s time for her to move to a more structured program. I am ot ready for that in many levels. I hope that was an isolated event. Lets see how it goes. I will do whatever is best for her.
The other thing happening with her is that separation anxiety hit her big time. It seems a little late since she has never had problems with separation anxiety before. Sunday at church they had to come and get me because she was crying a lot at the nursery , this has never never happened before. She seems to be attached to my hip lately. I have no problem at day care, she loves her baby sitter. She loves daddy also... but mommy is her person of choice. Is it too late for separation anxiety to hit? she plays independently, she gos to my friends as long as he can see me. She also gets frustrated much easily now, and has big big meltdowns when she is tired. Aside from this, se is happy, busy, curious, loving, smart and CUTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

It is rewarding

It looks like our hard work is paying off... She slept in her crib ans is still there (7 am), she had a major tantrum at midnight but I helped her to get back to sleep and we both slept the rest of the night... I feel refreshed! YAY



Us last night having some girl time playing with stickers


Lyla having some"down time" before bed last night



In our way back form daycare yesterday, she is always so happy!



It is Valentine's day today in Brazil... Love you my valentine!

Parenting is hard, single parenting is very hard, but it is also so rewarding!!!!
I love being a mother, I love her smile!

it is hard

I know that million of women raise their children alone and I can do it too... but I am really really TIRED , actually exhausted... It is so hard, so hard. Lyla's sleeping strike is getting the best of me. My boss is driving me crazy at work, so much pressure to work longer hours, still no resolution with the car situation... I am so tired, I need a day off from all of this. Sorry about another vent, I am just so tired (I know I already said this one million times LOL)

Disclaimer: I don't want a break from Lyla. I don't want to sound ungratful, it is not her, are the circumstances. I do get some help from her father, it has just been a hard week.

Radom

Teething

Oh man, Lyla has 2 molars coming out. She is miserable. She does not sleep because it is bothering her so much. I am doing everything that I can to keep her comfortable.

Sleep

That brings me to the topic of sleeping. I kept on with the "sleeping on her crib" training. She is doing very well going to sleep, even by herself and at a much earlier time (8:30 compared to 10 before). However, she has a hard time staying asleep. She is up around 11 pm, takes another 30 min to calm her down, then 2 am again, then 5 am... OMG, it is like torture having to wake up every 2 hours. I look like a dead woman walking during the day. I am counting my blessings, one month ago she would not even stay in her crib, now she sleeps at least 1/2 nigh there and it is taking all the naps there. I am blaming on teething, but she has never been a great sleeper to begin with but now it is just so bad. The sleeping saga goes on , with progress, but still not perfect

Bottle

That was a second fight I was dreading. My plan was to get the sleeping thing going and then take her bottle. She was taken her bottle just to sleep and early morning and she loves it! 3 nights ago, she had her sip cup , she took the milk from it , slept and has not asked for a bottle since then. She did all by herself.


Summer fun
Lyla ad I are loving "summer". We have been to the pool twice and she loves it. I enroll her at kindermusik class, she also loved it. We are enjoying some play time outside after dinner. I love the sun, I feel alive again!


toddler hood

My baby is not a baby anymore... :( she is busy little girl, walking , exploring, playing, dancing... She loves the kitchen and bathroom. It is so hard to keep her out there LOL. She is into open door cabinets, and getting all her clothes and blankets out... cute and annoying at the same time. It is fun to tell her to go get something and she understands it. I ask for a kiss and she gives me the kiss that melts my heart . She is not talking much, but can express herself very well. She can say a few words in each one of the 3 languages she is listen everyday. She is still very outgoing, goes to everybody, smiles and waves to everybody. She eats like a champ. Her new favorites: water melon and corn in a co.b She loves using her little fork to eat all alone. She uses her left hand. Wonder pets is her favorite cartoon, and she loves Moose a Moose. She is now 14 months and 26 pounds!!!

Car
Ins gave total loss to my car, more later


I leave you with some cute pics I took at the pool last weekend