Elmo

Lyla and I went to see Elmo and friends today (sesame street live). She had such a great time: she danced, clapped hands, waved, laughed the entire show. My baby girl IS SO MUCH FUN.

10 months

my sweet girl, you are 10 months. Double digits? OMG! no so long ago I was counting how old you were in days, then weeks... now you are almost 1 year old. I am so proud of you. You are growing , learning,getting more a more independent...when you say momma my hear complete;y melts. I hope that you forgive me because I have not been myself lately. Sorry that I did not take the million pics a videos that I use to take every month. Sorry that some days I sat on the floor but had no energy to play with you. Sorry that you had to see me crying so many tmes. I am sorry that your routine has been completely modified and that mommy seems irritated or impatient sometimes. Mommy promises that I will do all in my power to keep you happy and safe. I pray for you , pray for your future , I ask you God to spare you from any pain that will come from what happened this month. Thanks for helping me during those difficult days. The happiness of being your mother keeps me going, even when I feel so defeated. Your smile gives a reason to smile too. You are so beautiful, so precious, so lovely. I am looking forward to see you walking soon, to get ready for your first bday party, to teach you new words... You are a my precious gift. Love you with all my heart

questions without answers

why are Sundays and nights are so lonely?
Why mornings are so overwhelming?
why staring over is so scary?
Why the past and the present seem so disjointed?
Why is the future so uncertain?

I am not looking for answers, I am just dwelling on my feelings for a little while.

I know that we will be okay and soon Sundays and nights will no longer be lonely, mornigns will be exciting and our present will be happy, the pain from the past will be forgotten , and the future will continue to be uncertain, but no longer scary!

She is better

Trying to take care of a baby while sick is not easy. My body aches, I have sinus headache,fever, running nose and all I want is to sleep. Lyla is doing much much better (Thak God), but that means that she is ready to play and needs her mommy to be on the floor with her. What a week. I hope she sleeps well tonight. I need so bad some rest

AND KEEPS GOING

lYLA HAD 104.5 TEMP LAST NIGHT... POOR GIRL, SHE WAS BURNING. THE FIRST ANTIBIOTIC DOSE IS IN AND SHE HASN'T HAD A HOGH TEMP SINCE 2 AM. I LEARNED THAT TYLYNOL DOES NOT WORK FOR HER, MOTRIN DOES WONDERS... NOW I AM SICK TOO

Can I get a break?

Poor baby is still sick. She has been having high temp and a hard time breathing. The medicine that she is taking for the breathing issue is not helping (I had to pay U$70 for the breathing mask, can you believe it??) She is not herself, not eating, not sleeping because of the cough and all she wants is to stay with me. I missed work yesterday and today she is with her father who has no clue what he is doing. I will leave early and take her to the doc again, I must get a frequent mile from there, 3 times in 2 weeks. They will re test her for RSV and re check her ears. The day lady can't take her until next week... I seriously have no idea what I am going to do. I haven't slept in 3 nights, this plus all the other crap that is going on in my life is really weighting me down. I have neither energy or concentration to work but I can;t afford not to. I hope Lyla gets better soon , I can deal with anything else, but seing her feel so bad breaks my heart.

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Lyla had 104 temp today at the doc's office. 104!!!!! They gave her motrin and after a while it came down. Monday her ears were clear but today she already has a nasty ear infection, 2 in less than one month, 7 since September. We will put tubes Fev 25th. She will be on antibiotics again, another 10 days. Now that the fever is gone , she seems happier and is playing on the floor. She is not eating at all, not even formula. Hopefully she will start getting better.
I am glad to be home early, I cooked a good dinner for the 2 of us and later we can enjoy American idol

5 am

lyla and I are up... well, we haven't slept much .Her cough is very bad that wakes her up. She breaths much better when she is up right. So here we are, having our early morning bonding and watching Moose a Moose and Zee..

Sick baby, stressed mommy

Lyla is sick again. Upper respiratory infection, she is coughing a lot and was running very high fevers. Today I noticed that she was having a hard time breathing. It took her to the doc and it was a very long appt. They test her for a bunch of stuff . Her oxygen levels were not as good as they want. Breathing treatment was like torture, she screamed until she lost her voice. Imagine having to do this for every 6 hours? Doc is afraid she has asthma like me... I am overwhelmed, I don't know what to do about tomorrow, I have to work. My back hurts like crazy from carrying her and her stuff all afternoon long, and I have so much heartburn from the stress. He is still out of town, I am relying on the kindness of my friends. L and W came over and played with Lyla while I went to pick up her medicine. They brought dinner and I new toy for Lyla. I am so thankful for my friends... I hope Lyla feels better soon.

Last night

Lyla slept from 9 pm to 6:30 am straight . She took a bottle and slept until 8:30.I hope this is a trend. Thanks baby, I really appreciated the uninterrupted hours of sleep.

9 month checkup

Today Lyla had her 9 month check up. She is 22 pounds (90 percentile) and 29" (80 %)... My big girl! My car seat goes up to 32" and 30 pounds , so it is time to shop for a new car seat. Dr. said I can start trying table food but to stay away from eggs, honey , peanuts, fresh strawberries, honey and sea food. She was not very pleased with the fact that Lyla still has a bottle in the middle of the night some days (any tips how to stop with this?) and that she does not go to bad until 10:30 or so (another post later about sleeping issues). Everything looked good, except her ears (as usual). There is some fluid and her right ear and her throat is red also. Since she has had many ear infections( 5 in 7 months) we were referred to a ear throat specialist. She had this appointment today as well (My boss was not very pleased that I had to take a full day off). The second appointment went well. Doc recommended to put tubes on her ears. I already scheduled for Feb 25th. It was super cold here today (3F). That made so much harder to move from Dr. to Dr. Between appointments I left her at day care and ran some errands that are almost impossible to do with a baby in this cold weather. I am exhausted but I am glad I took care of all of this. By 4:30 pm I was home. I cooked dinner and now Lyla is taking a nap. Tonight I will watch American Idol yay and Top Chef. Another exciting day in the life of a (single) monther

I need a break

I woke up very overwhelmed today. I am not ready for this week, can I get a do over of the weekend? . It has been very hard to concentrate at work. My boss is pressuring to work longer hours. I feel guilty that I am not being very productive with my research. Lyla is still having trouble sleeping...she woke up 3 times last night. I am so tired. Being alone is very exhausting, both physically and mentally. I am not depressed , but I am really sad, mad, disappointed, lonely... She has been a source of strength and inspiration. She learned how to clap this weekend. It is so funny!!!!! She has also mastered the use of the walker , so cute. I love her to pieces and more and more she lets me now how much she loves me as well. I hope she does not think that my tears are because of her.

A special thanks to my friends here, that have helped me so much.

I must go now, time to swallow the tears and go on with my life.
A good week for everybody

More pics

It know it is not much, but these pictures have helped me a lot. It is like staring at myself and seeing that I can be happy even when I am so sad. My friend did the best job ever... I capture us, our love, how much fun we have as mother and daughter. I so appreciate that she is doing this for me.
I love the one of our feet... We can do this baby!

When life gives you lemons...

remember that not everything has gone sour









Photos taken today (the day he moved out). This was suppose to be a family shoot. I was going to cancel, but I need some normalcy .I am glad I did go. The weather is was just gorgeous today (60 F). A dear friend of mine from out of town came here for new years and took those for me. She took some amazing ones outside, but she is working on them. The first collage is my favorite. To see myself smiling (even when I knew that back home my husband was almost 8 years was packing his stuff) gave reassurance that in the end we will be okay. Isn't she so cute????????