Wordless Wednesday: If you don’t give me some candy I will follow you until you do

HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all of you. I can;t wait to all the pics of your cute kids dressed up!

Happy early Halloween

I will be out of town for Halloween. I am so upset about it , but it is the main scientific meeting for my research area and they scheduled it for this coming week/weekend. Talk about being family unfriendly. I am excited it will be in San Diego, excited to have some time for myself, to have a big hotel bad and a entire night of sleep with no eminent interruption. But I am terrified about being way from lyla for so long ( 5 days). She will stay with dad. I am confident that he will do a good job , but he has no idea what is coming. He stays with her overnight sometimes , but not more than 24 hours. It will be good for him to be a little idea of how much work it is the day to day thing( I am not expecting any acknowledgment from him that indeed it is hard to do it alone). I have friends lined up to help him in case he needs, Halloween planned, all the outfits organized for each day with the right hair accessory, shoes and socks together, countless instructions, meals planned... She will be okay and will have lots of fun with her favorite person (yes , she s daddy;s girl) but I will miss her so much.
This last weekend I got to celebrate Halloween with her. We had such a great time:
Saturday we went to a bonfire/fall party organized by our church. It was just fabulous. Perfect cool weather, great food, hail ride, horses, trick or treat, pictures... My little one looked so adorable as Minnie Mouse!!!





arts and craft


looking at the horses



waiting her turn to get candy


we finished the day with her falling asleep during the hail ride with a tummy full of candy LOL. How cool is that?

Sunday we went to BOO at the ZOO with some friends and their kids. It was awesome. She really got a hang to the "bagging" for candy deal and she loved walking arround with her little pumpkin getting all kind of treats inside





we also enjoyed many carousel rides and played with the birds





and at the end of the day we got to surprise a few friends with our early Halloween celebration. The reaction of our friends was priceless and I was lucky to get this picture that really represents Halloween!. Imagine opening you door and seeing this cute little mouse!!!!!!!!!!


Now I don't feel that I will be missing out too much because we got to have our very own Halloween and more fun than I thought I could pack in one weekend.

A secret wish

Today I went to visit a brand new baby girl, less than one day old... I forgot how tiny and helpless they are when they are first born. I held her and thought about my Lyla, when she was that tiny, a brand new baby, a newborn. I looked at the proud happy parents and thought how I felt, filled with joy , fear, love, insecurity, pride, relief... I kissed her tiny head , inhaled the newborn smell and secretly made a wish: Please God, let me experience this again! and this time let me experience the joys of motherhood without a dark cloud over my head, let me be free to just love and be loved.

I love my big girl, but I miss my tiny tiny brand new baby, less than one minute old.

Bare with me while I mumble (again) about my life

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, so much so that most of the nights I can't sleep. The healing will come when I am done hurting and I am not done yet, I wish I was. Unfortunately for me it is taking time and will take a while longer. This is not to say that I;ve come a long way already, that I am just sad, all the time. That is far from the truth... there are moments and moments. When I smile I mean it, when I cry I feel it, When I fight, I do it with a purpose and determination. I am trying to live in the moment, to enjoy every second of Lyla's life, because it is going by so fast and I don;t know if I will ever experience this again, being a mother of a toddler (anther post about this later). It is a daily exercise moving forward while tangled so tightly by the ropes of the past and the fear of the future. I am desperately trying to set myself free, find myself again, find a place where longing for something or somebody does not define me. I went through 2 huge "fights" back to back: infertility and loss of my marriage and I am honestly exhausted. Funny thing how we adapt, I can't even remember how it feels to be married even though I don't know how to be single yet. It is this weird place called limbo that I've been in for 5 years: waiting to get pregnant, waiting to heal from a loss, waiting to get pregnant again, waiting to stay pregnant, waiting to heal my marriage, waiting to heal my heart. Don't get me wrong, I am not just waiting, I've done a lot with my life during these years, while waiting, longing and fighthing.
This week has been really hardd, I got really sick due to my asthma. Many times I broke down because I knew I had nobody to take care of me, just myself. I had tremendous help with Lyla, the ex really did his part but you know what I mean. You know, when you are sick and you just need somebody to hug you, stroke your hair, kiss you... or drive you to emergency room. I came very close to edge, it felt like the early days again, missing him, wanting him so bad, remember how loving and caring he was for so long . Now I know I miss him because he is all I know, but what I truly miss is having somebody, not necessarily him, Does it make sense?? that itself is a huge step for me. He is replaceable.
Miss depression has been trying to get inside my soul for many months now, but I refuse to let her him. The ropes hug me tighter someday and it is hard to move, but I do it anyway. Even between cried I work hard, live hard, enjoy the moments.
Somebody brilliant said this
"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Sometimes you need to look back, before you can move on ahead."
For me freedom is coming with a constant awareness of what still makes me happy even in the midst of sorrow . And she is so right, It is necessary to look back, accept the past in order to move on ahead.
writing about my feelings has really helped me and I hope that soon I can look back at these days and remember that I am stronger than I thought.

Here is a recognition of my work in Polycystic kidney disease , a project that I developed late last year/ early this year , during the hardest months of my life, when I thought that my mind could not think clearly, that I hated my boss for pushing me so hard when I could barely breath... I did it, and did it well. My smile here is real, just like the tears I have now writing this post.


All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me that
I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good
For something
Hold on feeling like I'm heading for a
Break down and I dunno why
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Sad news

My baby is lost her baby. Unbelievable. Why can life be a little simpler? hasn't she experienced her fare share of losses and heartbreak already? I talked to her and she said she is fine, but I know better. Even though I've been there, I did not know what to say , just that I am sorry , sad and angry. Yet another time I see what a miracle each baby is. Against my better judgment I had already bought some baby stuff for my niece/nephew to be. I had gathered all Lyla's stuff that I was going to send to her... Please rember my sis and her husband in your prayers.

I really could use a hug right now... anyone?

Sick ...

For the first time for as long as I can remember I am home sick. I felt so bad yesterday, my body ached, chills, running nose. you name it. I woke up fine, but by 3 pm I could no longer work. Due to the rapid onset of the symptoms I was worried that I could be the dreaded swine flu. So I left work and went to a walk in clinic. I got there at 3:30, I left at 6:45!!!!!!!! I seemed that everybody in town was sick, wearing masks, coughing, looking miserable. During my time there 2 people tested positive for swine flu, thank God I was not one of them. I have just a very bad cold and sinus infection. I let the clinic so scared, sacared for Lyla and all our babies. It will be a very very long flu season. The weather is not helping here, it has been so cold, we haven't been above 45 F for the last week, we broke record low temps for October twice the past week. There is no more flu shots available in town, people are panicking. Thanks God Lyla and I got ours already.
Lyla's dad got her from daycare yesterday and took him to his house because I don't want her nowhere near me. My dear friend called when I was at the doc's office and I started crying. I had just had an argument with the ex because of his crappy attitude because he had to cancel some plans to stay with Lyla. I could not believe that he could not even ask if I am doing okay if I need something. I felt sick and lonely. I am home trying to get better as soon as possible, I miss my girl, but I have no energy to take care of her, and I DONT want her to get sick. I will have to call reinforcements and ask help from my friends.

Wordless Wednesday: Cool girls wear hats!

Past, present, and future!

A friend of mine had this update today on his FB profile:

I am saddened to realize old friends sometimes don't have the memories you do and demonstrates you really might have thought you were more than you were!!


I read this over and over again. That is exactly how I feel about my failed marriage: Our memories are not the same and he makes sure to let me know that I was (am) much LESS than I thought I once was (at least for me). That is one of the things that saddens me the most even today: not only the grieving of what will never be , but the doubt about what it once was. Maybe it is about time to focus and TODAY and NOW . The past will be as happy or as sad as each one of us chooses to remember , and the future... oh the future: both scary and exciting!

Wordless Wednesday: Pretty in pink

Gives me Hope

today I came across this website http://www.givesmehope.com and I spent a long time reading these little messages of hope. The small gestures of wonderful people that make us keep believing on the good that gives us hope.
Messages like this one:
A man walked by, dropping a $20 note on the ground. A little girl picked it up and ran over to the man to give the note back to him. But the man simply gave it back to the little girl with a smile and said "Finder's Keepers." That little girl was me, and at the time my family was having financial problems. That man GMH.

or this one
Today, my friend gave me a piggy back ride and ran up and down my street with me on his back. I was born with spina bifida and he wanted me to know what running felt like. GMH!

or this one
I work in aged care, and every day at morning tea time, 2 residents sit together and share a slice of cake. They met 2 years ago when they came to live in the Nursing home, and today they shared their first kiss. A room full of 70+ year old people clapped. True love, no matter how old we are, is still magical. GMH

and this one
Today, my aunt dragged me along to the mall to go shopping. While in the store, she critisized me, calling me fat and comparing me to 'Ugly Betty'. When I walked out of the store, a boy held the door open and whispered 'I don't know what she's talking about'. GMH.


When I was seven years old, I was diagnosed with cancer. My parents were told that I had about a year to live. Despite mounting medical bills, my father put a fraction of his paycheck into my college savings account. I am currently a sophomore nursing major. My father's belief that I would survive GMH.

My mother was told to abort my sister, as she'd "probably be a vegetable, mute, confined to a wheelchair." She said no. Today, my sister is one of the top golfers in the Special Olympics, and has been to the White House to speak about rights for special-needs adults. Their determination GMH

...

felling love and support from all my blog sisters, GMH

Having someone that loves me unconditionally like my girl does, GMH

Being mama after I felt hopeless during infertily, GMH

My sister finding love again after such a tragedy and now being pregnant, GMH

Feeling the healing effects= of time , GMH

Coming home (for Christmas) to the ones that love me the most, GMH

WHAT OR WHO GIVES YOU HOPE???