Happy 4th Birthday Lyla

Dear Lyla, I can’t believe another whole year has gone by. Tomorrow you will be 4!!! Look at you!!! You are so FOURtastic!

You are so smart, so funny, so talkative, sassy... little miss personality!! I love our conversations my sweet daughter, you always let your imagination fly high and freely. I love the face you make when you know that whatever you are saying is so outside the box that cant be possibly true… this face, I caught on camera!

You are a composer, there is always a sweet little creative song coming out of your mouth. You can even rhyme!!! Your song are so hilarious and creative, I think that you think that your life is a musical!!!maybe it is!! Your voice is so raspy and your dance moves to go along with the songs are sassy and charming.

You also love books and they too feed your imagination. I like how the highlight of your bedtime routine is to decide what 3 books to pick then we snuggle and read together. Your favorite books now are Llama Llama red pajama, if you give a mouse a cookie, the entire Fancy Nancy series… you know them by heart. You LOVE your baby dolls, you are a great mother to them. You give them crazy names,… there is “Its”, “Obama stripes”, “verde”, Lyla 2,3 and 4”, “Broody Jackson”, “Kingston” . You spend hours taking care of them, putting them on time out, giving them encouraging speeches, making sure they are changed and fed and go to their daycare. You told me that you cant wait to be a grown up so you can be a mother. Don’t be too eager to grow up baby… slow down… please… I need you to slow down!!! You also love your toy kitchen, you make me “fancy dinners” and Birthday parties all the time. You insist on the dress code… high heels and a hat are a must!!! And I am happy to oblige.

I love when I come home from a crazy day at work and I sit you on the kitchen counter and you snack on something while I make dinner. And we talk about our day, we sing along with the radio, or you just simply watch me and later copy me at your toy kitchen. You think that is awesome when you find one of my kitchen utensils that match your toy ones! Speaking of food, boy you are picky. You don’t eat bread, pasta, pizza, cheese, egg yokes… you like raw carrots, steamed broccoli, corn in a cob, melon, all the berries, rice, beans, chicken… I suppose you like the good stuff, but trust me McCheese is sooooooo yummy! At school you are awesome. You don’t like waking up to go so early but once you are there, you thrive !!! you are writing your name now and some other words. Mom was your first one!! Numbers are not your forte so far, I love that you count Ten, eleventeen, twelveteen… I suppose I should correct you! Its just too cute. You will start pre K soon and you cant hardly wait to mingle with the “big kids”. Again… slow down my child… I am not ready to call you a big kid just yet :)

This was again a year of many adventures and firsts... We went to New York City

We had your first camping trip

You went to your first play (Cinderella)

first visit to the "grown up" museum (Monnet e exhibit)

First concert (Fresh beat band) ... how you love them

got your first stitches (on your forehead)... unfortunately

You wrote your first word (mom)

learned to ride your bike, got done with Potty training (even overnight), had your sweetheart first dance…

Its has been a a year of big changes and I hate that you have to understand such big concepts at such young age. You are doing great and I will do my best that you stay the same!! HAPPY

CURIOUS

ADVENTUROUS

I love the way you love me my Lyla and the way you captivate so many around you with your personality. Keep growing little girl, but please know that you are going to be forever my baby... my LYLA!!! Love you so much. Thanks for letting me know all the time how much you love me as well. Happy 4th birthday Lyla!!

Tomorrow we will celebrate in style, as we always do. A princess bday party fit for a real princess!. I cant wait!! Love you Your mother

Growing pains

Lyla met the new Mrs Monday (A), the wedding is this Friday… the days in between have been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs and everything in between. Lyla and I are both in a steep learning curve. I have to remind myself that she is not even 4 yet and these are complicated topics and she is caught in between 2 realities and that she doesn’t mean much when she says things… With that been said, I can’t deny that it has been hard… scratch that has been painful …growing pains!

At some instances my blood boils, other times I have a chill traveling through my spine, but mostly I feel like I have been punched on the stomach, it’s a sickening feeling

On my way to pick Lyla up at daycare Tuesday I dreaded what I was going to hear . On our way home she said… Mommy, A is my new best girl ever.. that’s how she calls me, I am her best girl ever. Jesus, I wanted throw up. I knew I could not go home, I would break down. It was a beautiful day so we went to the park… I sat there with my sunglasses on and sobbed quietly behind my shades while Lyla ran blissfully through the park. All of the things I could first hear this was one of the worst ones… thats my title... I know she did not mean much ... but I was heartbroken nonetheless

After this first conversation Lyla has mentioned A a few times, it comes when I least expect it
Today at bath time, when I had let my guard down Lyla asked me…

mommy, do you like A? I take a deep breath!

I don’t know her honey (its true, I don’t know her)

So you don’t like her?

Lyla dear, If you like her and she likes you, I will like her as well (thats true too)

Mommy… I tried the wedding dress. I keep my composure

you mean the flowed girl dress?

yes mommy, its pretty, too bad you cant see it. Dad said that you cant come

Thats true... but you are coming home after the wedding and we will have a fun Saint Patrick’s day

We talk about Saint Patty's day for awhile and play with her bath toys


Mommy, It’s A going to be there?
Yes Lyla, she is marrying Dad remember? She is the bride

No she is not, you are the bride mommy (I swallow bitter tears... I want so badly to tell her about our wedding, when I was the bride, but I think that now it will just confuse her)

No Lyla, not mommy. A and dad are getting married

then I want to be the bride mommy…

You cant Lyla… I am marrying dad

She cries

I do too


As I said... growing pains

I fear

I will dare to go there... to say my fears out loud to stare them until they are no longer so scary.... I know they are irrational, but I cant ignore how I feel

I fear that my little girl will get emotionally hurt

I fear that Lyla will love being at her dad's house, with his new family, more that she likes being at our tiny one bedroom apartment. I would rather live in a house as well, to give her own bedroom, to give her siblings for her to play with... but for now I cant.

I fear that she wont think of us as a family... the two of us... versus the 5 of them


I fear that I will be alone forever... even though I am fine where I am at now, I am scared that love wont find its way back to my life. I fear abandonment, I fear rejection.


I fear that this hurt and this grief will never go away. I want for it to stop taking new shapes and creeping into my life when I least expect it.

I fear that Lyla will call her mother or any variation of it. I want her to love Lyla, I want Lyla to be happy when she is there, but that's a tittle that I am not willing to share

I fear the unknown... this new territory

Oh heavy heart... I did not miss having you around. Why are you back?