I will dare to go there... to say my fears out loud to stare them until they are no longer so scary.... I know they are irrational, but I cant ignore how I feel
I fear that my little girl will get emotionally hurt
I fear that Lyla will love being at her dad's house, with his new family, more that she likes being at our tiny one bedroom apartment. I would rather live in a house as well, to give her own bedroom, to give her siblings for her to play with... but for now I cant.
I fear that she wont think of us as a family... the two of us... versus the 5 of them
I fear that I will be alone forever... even though I am fine where I am at now, I am scared that love wont find its way back to my life. I fear abandonment, I fear rejection.
I fear that this hurt and this grief will never go away. I want for it to stop taking new shapes and creeping into my life when I least expect it.
I fear that Lyla will call her mother or any variation of it. I want her to love Lyla, I want Lyla to be happy when she is there, but that's a tittle that I am not willing to share
I fear the unknown... this new territory
5 comments:
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with these fears. They are very real and valid fears. However, I see the amazing photos of you and Lyla and I hear how you talk about her and I know that nobody will ever come even close to replacing you in any way. I can't imagine the feeling of wondering my my child would be like with another mother figure. I will hope you will find peace about this soon.
This is so annoyingly soon for you to have to deal with this stuff. It sucks and I wish I could take away all your fears.
All I can say is the "knowns" -- You are a wonderful mother; you have a bond with her that is unbreakable; and she has a special place in her heart for just you. It is so plain when we see pictures of you two together...
She is young, she is "wowed" by it all...but she will have you and you will have her in the end.
(And, you WILL find love again, hon. You WILL.)
She will always know your love for her!!!!!
Oh sweetie. Big fears. Hugs.
xoxo
I am so sorry
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