at Bedtime....

Lyla: Mommy I want my dadddy
Me: sure baby, we can call daddy
Lyla: No mommy, I want him at our house.
Me: Well baby, daddy is at his house
Lyla: Can he come here?
Me: sure, but not just right now
Lyla: Why does he have his own house?
Me: PANIC ... some mommies and daddies live in difference houses sweetheart
Lyla: Some live together?
Me: yes. There are all kind of families, but what matters is that daddy and mommy love you SO much
Lyla: mommy and daddy love me like "super Mc n cheese"?
Me: I laugh... exactly, we love you that much
Lyla: I want a new house....
Me confused! A new house?
Lyla: Yeah, a pink one with purple flowers and pink windowns and doors... pink everywhere
ME: wow, that will be a beautiful house. Who is going to live in this house?
Lyla: Lyla and mommy and I will make an orange house with brown polka dots for daddy. He is going to love it.
Me: I am sure he will
Lyla: I am going to visit daddy in my mind now okay? Can you just share with daddy the broccoli and ice cream that we bought today at walmart?
Me: Of course baby, we can share
Lyla: Thanks mommy, night night

I hate that she needs know about complicated things like "divorce" but Oh how I love her innocence

Lyla

Yesterday at church I held a 9 month old baby girl, she was wearing one of Lyla's baby clothes. I immediately I was transported to the time when Lyla was the same age. She felt so much heavier... maybe was the weight of my broken heart that I remember being so much heavier. I remember that her little weight kept me grounded and made stay upright when all I wanted was to lay still on the floor. At times I felt resentful of being the one left behind with such a huge responsibility to care for a 9 month old baby. I feel terrible saying this now but I have to acknowledge this feeling. I remember vividly Lyla awake at 3 am crying her head off and I sitting on the floor outside her bedroom sobbing even harder, feeling like I had no strength to console her... but I did and comforting her somehow comforted my own soul. I remember questioning God why He let me get pregnant when I did when He knew what was going to happen. I had so many questions... I the past months Ive been meditating on these questions and the answers seem so clear now. I cant put into words exactly how I feel. I know now that Lyla came at the right time. My heart swells up with so much love and pride. Her love feeds my soul like nothing else ever did. I still feel overwhelmed some days with all the work that takes to be a single mother, but lately I am seeing even all the work as blessing and a huge honor. I feel so privileged and even at peace with the fact that I may never have children again. Lately she has been asking for me to rock her to sleep. My first instinct was to say no, to stick with the bedtime routine... how silly of me. So now every night we rock and talk about our day. The best conversations I've have ever had in my life. Her little mind is so amazing, her heart is full of love for me, her eyes shine with admiration, my arms make her feel safe. How lucky I am that I got pregnant when I did? I came to find out that Wasband was ready to walk away around that time but because I got pregnant he stuck around for a little while (I had no idea of all of this). If it had hadn't been then, Lyla wouldn't never have exited . Cant even phantom that idea. I have a daughter and even if everything else failed this is and will always be my truth .... I have a daughter!!!

I would've never had the strength and a reason to smile then if hadn't been for her

Lyla at 9 months

Go away anxiety!

I have anxiety issues.... to put it mildly. Growing up it was really hard to deal with my anxiety. It became so serious that I had to go on medication during my early teen years. I outgrew it and the anxiety turned into this serious need that I have to be in control, to account for all the possible scenarios and be extra prepared for any possible outcome. Working hard and being overly prepared always eased my anxiety. Raise you hand if you can relate :)
When it was becoming obvious that I was going to have issues getting pregnant anxiety got its tight grip on me again. It was clear that it did not matter how much I prepared I was or how hard I worked, the outcome was beyond me and that broke my spirit. It took time, but I started letting go of my controlling issues and I surrendered before I would go crazy. The same issues surfaced during my marriage crisis. He was buying time by not taking about our issues and all I wanted was to lock him on a room and talk about it until we got somewhere. We all know how this ended up…. The past 2 years have been truly healing. I began concentrating on short term goals. At some point it was a minute by minute goal… I just want to survive this minute and that will be good enough. I learned how to be more kind to myself.
Here and there a wave of anxiety hits me hard and I have to talk myself out of it. I am trying to talk myself out of a big wave now. The same way that I want to solve bad issues like infertility and infidelity I tend to do the same when something good knocks at my door. I want to label it, calculate risks, try to explain it, entertain probabilities …. You get the picture. I am making a vow to myself to let go at this anxiety and enjoy the here and now, that’s what has to matter. I am enjoying the here and now :) go away anxiety!