Father's day feelings

I remember being 8 years old and overhearing a conversation that changed my life. They were talking about how my mom already had me when dad and mom married that I wasn’t real family and so on . I did not hear it by accident, It was intentional and aimed to hurt me, I went crying to my parents and they just started crying on me. I felt so badly that they were crying that I was the one consoling them. The truth is it did not matter, I had the best dad ever and that just made me love him even more. We never talked about it anymore. For years I wanted to ask my mom what really happened, but I never had the courage… fast forward 21 years and I am sleeping with my newborn baby and I overhear another life changing conversation. Mom was opening her heart to my ex, told him my life story, her life story…. How she was young and pregnant, so scared and how he just ran away upon finding out she was expecting, wow she mastered up the courage to tell her parents, how little money she had but she was determined to have me, how she met my dad (not biological) and he felt in love with us, married her, gave me his name and called me his own, how happy she was to see me years later having my own child under such different circumstances, how much she loved him (ex) and how great of a dad she was sure he was going to be, how happy she was to know that I would never feel abandoned with a young child unsure for the future how she did 29 year ago… and I as heard the entire conversation my heart felt so thankful for her courage to have me , to be such a great mom and fight to have me, how wonderful my dad is, how I would never have to feel the way she felt … 6 months later I experienced the same feelings of abandonment and fear that my mom did. .. and just like she did, I healed and survived.
I will never forget a conversation I had when I realized that he was leaving me. I asked him he was doing with me the same thing my biological dad did with my mom… his answer was: Your mom found you a good dad, didn’t she? . These words outraged me and still leave me with a bitter taste on my mouth as a type . , I am glad that he stayed around for her and loves her and we work together to raise her under crazy and inconvenient circumstances called divorce. It takes a lot of compromising though. But I will comprise as much and I can so Lyla has the opportunity to have the relationship that she does with her dad. He is not father that I wished he would be , but a good father. He is present and loving and she adores him
Days like today make me think about when I first saw him with her, how I felt in love with him all over again. I revised that memory for a little second and let it go. I revised that conversation that we had 3 years ago of how mom found me a good dad and.I wished that if I ever remarry that I am as lucky as my mom to find a man to also love her as much as my dad loves me.
I also thought about my biological father today, for the first time ever I wondered about him. I’ve heard that I look just like him. I don’t want meet him by no means, after all I have a dad, the only one I have ever known and he is awesome. I hope Lyla;s dad never goes too far away that Lyla doesn’t have any interest to getting to know him like I don’t with my biological father. I hope she never has to overhear her life story through the cold walls.
This post took turns that I wasn’t expecting but I feel great to write these feeling down.

WW: Learning from others

we went camping this weekend, for the first time ever... Everything was fantastic, especially seeing her interacting and learning from other people . I don't have family here, so my friends (and even strangers)have taken up the role of her foster family and they are more than happy to show her the world!! and she is more than happy to learn!

WW: Toy phones need to be charged as well!

I went to put my phone to charge, but the charger was already being used!

A place called Contentment

I remember turning 25 and feeling content, I had everything I wanted at that moment. I still had many goals but I had met my goals for that age.
After Lyla was born I felt that same feeling again... pure contentment! After a long journey I had the family I've longed for.

Since then I had engraved in my mind the notion that being content meant being happy because I have everything I want.

More and more I realize that contentment is rather the opposite; it is being happy despite not having everything you so deeply long for. It is acknowledging our "wants" and "needs" without losing site of the treasures we already have. It is realizing that what we have now, one day was on top of our list of "must have", the "only" thing we really needed to be happy back then! t

I still want so much, don't we all? I just don't want the "wanting" and "needing" to shape my life. I am throwing out the window the notion that I am one goal away from my "ideal life" ... what if while I dream and cry over it , my "real life" is passing by and I am too busy idealizing a perfect picture? I don't want this regret!