Hoping for better days

Happy New Year
Feliz Ano Novo!

I am still hopeful! still hoping for better days...

What matters the most!

I read Sara's blog today and she got me thinking. She reminded me that I still have everything that once made me the happiest woman on the face of the earth: I mainly speak of my husband (drummer boy!). Now I have this void, something is missing, this deep need that pounds deeply into my soul. I can't deny it but I can't also forget that in the meantime I can still be happy. I made a joke today for a friend, I told her I had just woken up at 11 am and that was my "childless couple" holiday tradition. I guess those times will not come back. Maybe someday I'll write a post about how I wish I could sleep in, how hard it is to stay up all night because "Junior" had a cold.
I heard a song today that says: "BUT IN THE HARD TIMES, WHEN YOUR WORLD HAS GONE IN PIECES, YOU PICK THE PIECES THAT MATTER THE MOSTS" ... So, that is what I am going to do for 2007. I'll take with me what matters the most: my faith, my deep love for my drummer boy, my passion for life, family and friends, my hope for better days and deep appreciation for the lessons learned. Maybe the pieces of the puzzle will never fit the same way they once did, but they are still very important in the grant scheme called MY LIFE
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL. MAY OUR HOPE BE RENEWED AND MAY WE NEVER FORGET WHAT MATTERS THE MOST (whatever that is for you!)

What matters the most!

I read Sara's blog today and she got me thinking. She reminded me that I still have everything that once made the happiest woman on the face of the world: I mainly speak of my husband (drummer boy!). Now I have this void, something is missing, this deep need that pounds deeply into my soul. I can't deny it but I can't also forget that in the meantime I can still be happy. I made a joke today for a friend, I told her I had just woken up at 11 am and that was my "childless couple" holiday tradition. I guess those time will not come back. Maybe someday I'll write a post about how I wish I could sleep in, how hard it is to stay up all night because "Junior" had a cold.
I heard a song today that says: "BU IN THE HARD TIMES, WHEN YOUR WORLD IS GOING IN PIECES, YOU PICK THE PIECES THAT MATTER THE MOSTS" ... So, that is what I am going to do for 2007. I'll take with me what matter the most: my faith, my deep love for my drummer boy, my passion for life, family and friends, my hope for better days and deep appreciation for the lessons learned. Maybe the pieces of the puzzle will never fit the same way they once did, but they are still very important in the grant scheme called MY LIFE
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL. MAY OUR HOPE BE RENEWED AND MAY WE NEVER FORGET WHAT MATTERS THE MOST (whatever that is for you!)

Maybe.... Maybe not!!!

Today I was watching Sex and the City, the episode that Charlotte and her husband decide to have a baby. Looking at them all excited made think about the day R and I decided that we were ready. The day I took my last BCP he celebrated the beginning of a new phase. We were so excited that we told everybody that we would start trying (bad mistake). I called my mom, she was so happy. I Went to pick up my prenatal pills and I was SURE, so SURE that by the time I was done with those 100 pills I was going to be PREGNANT.... Well, we all know that was not the truth... We were naive, but I am glad we were.. .At least we enjoyed that time, it was magical just to contemplate the possibility of having a baby, not knowing about all these little details I know now (m/c, SA, short LP, low progesterone). Now, after 2 years things are not that romantic , but we are still very excited over the idea of being parents but now we I can't bring myself to be as optimistic and naive as I once was... Even after my m/c last year I was still SURE that by this Xmas we would be either Pg or with a baby already. I am still hopeful, but I can't honestly say that I am SURE of anything on this baby making journey anymore. For me has been the end of the innocence...
Maybe next year I will get PG, MAYBE NOT... So what?

That is a song that I love that is somehow related to what I wrote today

Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didnt have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When happily ever after fails
And weve been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
Thats still untouched by man
Well sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
Theyre beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And weve been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And was away this sin
Well sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now weve come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence

Lover boy

I can believe how cold it is. 3 days ago it was in the 70's today almost single digits, just freezing! Yesterday it snowed all day long, It was so beautiful! Being for Brazil, I still watch the snow with amazement!

Today I watched a movie called Lover boy. Has anyone seeing it? I am still deciding if I like it or not. It talks about the obsession of a single mom for her boy , how after trying and trying to get pregnant (in very incoventional ways I must say) she finally was a mom and how she grew obsessed about him, about being just the 2 of them, about their fantasy world... how she couldn't let it go. It got me thinking, what kind of mom I am going to be? will this rough journey towards motherhood make me obsessed about my kid when I finally get one? Anyway.. I better concentrate on "making" this baby first

Have a good weekend
Let it snow, let is snow, let it snow!!!