Do you see what I see?

I came across this blog today and it really got me thinking... the concept it simple. One picture and two points of view... his and hers (a funny, smart, creative couple who love photography and writing) . I am amazed how the same picture can evoke such polar opposite feelings . The name of the website is "YOU SEE IT DIFFERENTLY THAN ME" (http://youseeitdifferentlythan.me/page/2/)

For some reason this blog made me think about my relationships.... not the romantic ones but at all different levels. I will give you a few examples

My ex... if you ask him why our marriage failed he will give you his version... or is it his interpretation? or is it how he really saw things? At this point it really doesn't matter, but for me to be able to co parent with him I had to forgive and forget, for my own sake. The only way I was able to do that is by deeply believing even though we were in the same marriage, he saw it so differently than I did!

My Best friend... We couldn't be more alike but there is one thing we see so differently... MONEY. She recently sent me a text " dont you think that if I work hard I should be able to reward myself with something really nice?"... I said yes, but not when you have to pay so many bills. See, she is a single mother like me, but contrary to me she carries all the fanatical responsibilities related to her 2 beautiful children and life has been REALLY hard on her... and to be honest after I sent her the text message I felt bad. Even though I still believe in prioritizing when it comes to money, I see what she sees... that sometimes a girl needs to give herself a break ( especially when no one else will) !!!!

Lyla... she has so many wants and needs. And sometimes she doesn't see the way I see. In her little mind candy before dinner is seeing as a great idea and I have to break her little heart but showing her the way I see. Now, they are simple issues like candy before dinner, or tv before bed time, but I know it will get much more complicated and complex than that. I hope that I can learn the balance act of trying to make her see the way I see but also try to see things through her prospective and respect her point of view and even learn from it


I know that my emotions get in the way and we may interpret the same thing so differently from one day to another... Most of the times I look at the picture of the 2 of us and my heart skips a beat with happiness. How did I get so lucky and got so fortunate to beat infertility??? some days I look at it and what I see is what is missing, this was meant to be a family of 3... or I see the child that I lost or the ones I still wish to have. I hope that my heartbreaks from the pasts and my hopes for the future don't take away from the clear interpretation of waht this picture means right now... WE ARE A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY OF TWO!!

How to be alone

I came across this poem (watch video) and I think it is just gorgeous. Even though sometimes I crave companionship , I've come to appreciate the times that I've spent with just me, myself and I.

" Alone is a freedom that breathes easily and weightless... even lonely can be healing if you make it"

And by being alone I don't mean being single.... it is a fact, you can be with somebody and be so incredibly lonely.

"You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company. But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept"

The growth the comes when one is forced to look within. When being alone became okay, when having somebody wasn't no loger a must ... only then I felt FREE!

"Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay"

"...it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it!"


"Take silence and respect it...
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament!"


The best part of my life is that I know that I will never be truly alone:

Wordless Wednesday : She's got style!!

"About me"

I don't know if you have noticed, but I wrote a new "about me' paragraph... I've been reading so many posts about labels lately and they left me wondering, why do we try so hard to fit into a label? I guess we do it to avoid other people labeling ourselves.

So there you have it... the best I could do on trying to NOT label me and my blog.

"A Brazilian gal who loves the ocean but ended up living in Kansas, see the irony? Infertility survivor now mother of a sweet girl called Lyla , newly single and ready to mingle (a.k.a divorced or infidelity survivor), overly educated scientist (so I am told when I apply for jobs), blogger, movie and book lover, terrible speller (accept this as my disclaimer), a talker, friend of many, family oriented, trivia junky, amateur photographer (a.k.a post divorce hobby), Christian, hopeful about life and love… The fast transition from "happily married " to " married dealing infertility" to then "single mother dealing with divorce" has left me hanging upside down. Now I avoiding labels ... I am just me, who happens to have a daughter, who happens to be single!


How long ago did you write your "about me" paragraph?

Wordless Wednesday : Daddy dressed me, can you tell?

Imagine my face when I picked up Lyla at daycare and she was dressed like that !

at Bedtime....

Lyla: Mommy I want my dadddy
Me: sure baby, we can call daddy
Lyla: No mommy, I want him at our house.
Me: Well baby, daddy is at his house
Lyla: Can he come here?
Me: sure, but not just right now
Lyla: Why does he have his own house?
Me: PANIC ... some mommies and daddies live in difference houses sweetheart
Lyla: Some live together?
Me: yes. There are all kind of families, but what matters is that daddy and mommy love you SO much
Lyla: mommy and daddy love me like "super Mc n cheese"?
Me: I laugh... exactly, we love you that much
Lyla: I want a new house....
Me confused! A new house?
Lyla: Yeah, a pink one with purple flowers and pink windowns and doors... pink everywhere
ME: wow, that will be a beautiful house. Who is going to live in this house?
Lyla: Lyla and mommy and I will make an orange house with brown polka dots for daddy. He is going to love it.
Me: I am sure he will
Lyla: I am going to visit daddy in my mind now okay? Can you just share with daddy the broccoli and ice cream that we bought today at walmart?
Me: Of course baby, we can share
Lyla: Thanks mommy, night night

I hate that she needs know about complicated things like "divorce" but Oh how I love her innocence

Lyla

Yesterday at church I held a 9 month old baby girl, she was wearing one of Lyla's baby clothes. I immediately I was transported to the time when Lyla was the same age. She felt so much heavier... maybe was the weight of my broken heart that I remember being so much heavier. I remember that her little weight kept me grounded and made stay upright when all I wanted was to lay still on the floor. At times I felt resentful of being the one left behind with such a huge responsibility to care for a 9 month old baby. I feel terrible saying this now but I have to acknowledge this feeling. I remember vividly Lyla awake at 3 am crying her head off and I sitting on the floor outside her bedroom sobbing even harder, feeling like I had no strength to console her... but I did and comforting her somehow comforted my own soul. I remember questioning God why He let me get pregnant when I did when He knew what was going to happen. I had so many questions... I the past months Ive been meditating on these questions and the answers seem so clear now. I cant put into words exactly how I feel. I know now that Lyla came at the right time. My heart swells up with so much love and pride. Her love feeds my soul like nothing else ever did. I still feel overwhelmed some days with all the work that takes to be a single mother, but lately I am seeing even all the work as blessing and a huge honor. I feel so privileged and even at peace with the fact that I may never have children again. Lately she has been asking for me to rock her to sleep. My first instinct was to say no, to stick with the bedtime routine... how silly of me. So now every night we rock and talk about our day. The best conversations I've have ever had in my life. Her little mind is so amazing, her heart is full of love for me, her eyes shine with admiration, my arms make her feel safe. How lucky I am that I got pregnant when I did? I came to find out that Wasband was ready to walk away around that time but because I got pregnant he stuck around for a little while (I had no idea of all of this). If it had hadn't been then, Lyla wouldn't never have exited . Cant even phantom that idea. I have a daughter and even if everything else failed this is and will always be my truth .... I have a daughter!!!

I would've never had the strength and a reason to smile then if hadn't been for her

Lyla at 9 months

Go away anxiety!

I have anxiety issues.... to put it mildly. Growing up it was really hard to deal with my anxiety. It became so serious that I had to go on medication during my early teen years. I outgrew it and the anxiety turned into this serious need that I have to be in control, to account for all the possible scenarios and be extra prepared for any possible outcome. Working hard and being overly prepared always eased my anxiety. Raise you hand if you can relate :)
When it was becoming obvious that I was going to have issues getting pregnant anxiety got its tight grip on me again. It was clear that it did not matter how much I prepared I was or how hard I worked, the outcome was beyond me and that broke my spirit. It took time, but I started letting go of my controlling issues and I surrendered before I would go crazy. The same issues surfaced during my marriage crisis. He was buying time by not taking about our issues and all I wanted was to lock him on a room and talk about it until we got somewhere. We all know how this ended up…. The past 2 years have been truly healing. I began concentrating on short term goals. At some point it was a minute by minute goal… I just want to survive this minute and that will be good enough. I learned how to be more kind to myself.
Here and there a wave of anxiety hits me hard and I have to talk myself out of it. I am trying to talk myself out of a big wave now. The same way that I want to solve bad issues like infertility and infidelity I tend to do the same when something good knocks at my door. I want to label it, calculate risks, try to explain it, entertain probabilities …. You get the picture. I am making a vow to myself to let go at this anxiety and enjoy the here and now, that’s what has to matter. I am enjoying the here and now :) go away anxiety!

" The sharp knife of a short life" R.I.P Igor

Growing up I did not have friends... I did not need them, I had family and they were enough. I am #2 grandchild, # 1 girl. We are many, over 30 grandchildren, but the five oldest really grew up together like brothers and sisters, we were inseparable. Anderson, Myself, Ricardo, Igor and Dani.. I was the only girl. They loved me, protected me, taught me to be tough, they always had my back always... My fondest childhood memories is of the 5 of us cousins spending summer at the family's house in the countryside. My aunt was courageous enough to take all of us, she is my favorite aunty ever. Igor, her son, was grandson #4 and he adored me. We have always been neighbors, My mom and my aunt are inseparable. Dani was grandson # 5, him and Igor were very close, Dani passed away last October on a motorcycle accident. So tragic and so unexpected. Igor took his death really hard. Igor,was killed last Friday. He was killed, a bar fight gone very wrong.

I got the news in the morning on my way to work. I was in shock. My family was still coming to terms with Dani's death, now 9 months later we are grieving again. I took the news very hard. He was my brother. Igor had a very troubled teen and young adult life. Igor made really bad decisions in life. Drugs took away his best years. We all tried, tried so hard! we would accept our help but could not hold on to it for too long. All of us at some point have given up on him. I know I did. Last time I went home he was doing great, was sober. He met Lyla, played with her, we went everywhere together. He was a big kid in heart, a laugh that was so unique, a story telly, always exaggerating the facts to makes us laugh. He was loving, caring, loud, life of any party. I was the sister he never had. I will miss him terribly. I spoke with my aunty today, she is so strong... we cried together and reminisced about the past, when we were both kids and we had a life of possibilities ahead of us. I wish he had made better choices, I wish he was not a slave of addiction. We all wish we could have done more for him... In the end addiction did not kill him, or did it? It turns out he bought a fight that was not even his. This was hitting on his girlfriend and he grabbed him to stop. The guy came back later and killed him, shot him on his back 4 times. He never even saw it coming.

My mom is so heartbroken. I have never seen her that way. He was always at my mom's house, my mom was his God Mother, like a son to her, my aunty is her best friend... she is grieving for her 2 sisters aching for the death of their sons. The 5 of us now is only the 3 of us + the rest of us…. I cant believe this is happening.

Saturday morning I drove Lyla to her swimming lesson with a heavy heart knowing that my dear cousin was being driven back to her favorite place on earth, the place where we spent our summers playing like 5 city kids who felt so free on the country side … 5 kids that dreamed of being a cowboy, a firefighter, a superhero, a doctor and a ballarina. As I drove I revisited those childhood memories, I heard that loud laugh, and that kid like face, these eyes that admired me so much even when I was so harsh with him telling him to turn things around. I told Lyla about him and I told her how I wished I was home with our family.

I am happy he is free to be the big kid he has always been, free of addiction, free to be the superhero that he always wanted to be! He was buried yesterday close to my grandpa, who passed away when I was pregnant, and with Dani, his best buddy, ourcowboy!


Here is my dear family last time I went home. Family reunion happens everyday. Igor is the one center with the light green shirt.





I cant get this song out of my mind....

"if I die young"

Holding on

I've been overtaken by a huge wave of sadness lately but I am holding on to her...

and to the joy she brings me!







holding on to the unconditional love





to the purpose she gives me to show her things, take her places...












I wonder if this is way too much responsibility for her...

Father's day feelings

I remember being 8 years old and overhearing a conversation that changed my life. They were talking about how my mom already had me when dad and mom married that I wasn’t real family and so on . I did not hear it by accident, It was intentional and aimed to hurt me, I went crying to my parents and they just started crying on me. I felt so badly that they were crying that I was the one consoling them. The truth is it did not matter, I had the best dad ever and that just made me love him even more. We never talked about it anymore. For years I wanted to ask my mom what really happened, but I never had the courage… fast forward 21 years and I am sleeping with my newborn baby and I overhear another life changing conversation. Mom was opening her heart to my ex, told him my life story, her life story…. How she was young and pregnant, so scared and how he just ran away upon finding out she was expecting, wow she mastered up the courage to tell her parents, how little money she had but she was determined to have me, how she met my dad (not biological) and he felt in love with us, married her, gave me his name and called me his own, how happy she was to see me years later having my own child under such different circumstances, how much she loved him (ex) and how great of a dad she was sure he was going to be, how happy she was to know that I would never feel abandoned with a young child unsure for the future how she did 29 year ago… and I as heard the entire conversation my heart felt so thankful for her courage to have me , to be such a great mom and fight to have me, how wonderful my dad is, how I would never have to feel the way she felt … 6 months later I experienced the same feelings of abandonment and fear that my mom did. .. and just like she did, I healed and survived.
I will never forget a conversation I had when I realized that he was leaving me. I asked him he was doing with me the same thing my biological dad did with my mom… his answer was: Your mom found you a good dad, didn’t she? . These words outraged me and still leave me with a bitter taste on my mouth as a type . , I am glad that he stayed around for her and loves her and we work together to raise her under crazy and inconvenient circumstances called divorce. It takes a lot of compromising though. But I will comprise as much and I can so Lyla has the opportunity to have the relationship that she does with her dad. He is not father that I wished he would be , but a good father. He is present and loving and she adores him
Days like today make me think about when I first saw him with her, how I felt in love with him all over again. I revised that memory for a little second and let it go. I revised that conversation that we had 3 years ago of how mom found me a good dad and.I wished that if I ever remarry that I am as lucky as my mom to find a man to also love her as much as my dad loves me.
I also thought about my biological father today, for the first time ever I wondered about him. I’ve heard that I look just like him. I don’t want meet him by no means, after all I have a dad, the only one I have ever known and he is awesome. I hope Lyla;s dad never goes too far away that Lyla doesn’t have any interest to getting to know him like I don’t with my biological father. I hope she never has to overhear her life story through the cold walls.
This post took turns that I wasn’t expecting but I feel great to write these feeling down.

WW: Learning from others

we went camping this weekend, for the first time ever... Everything was fantastic, especially seeing her interacting and learning from other people . I don't have family here, so my friends (and even strangers)have taken up the role of her foster family and they are more than happy to show her the world!! and she is more than happy to learn!

WW: Toy phones need to be charged as well!

I went to put my phone to charge, but the charger was already being used!

A place called Contentment

I remember turning 25 and feeling content, I had everything I wanted at that moment. I still had many goals but I had met my goals for that age.
After Lyla was born I felt that same feeling again... pure contentment! After a long journey I had the family I've longed for.

Since then I had engraved in my mind the notion that being content meant being happy because I have everything I want.

More and more I realize that contentment is rather the opposite; it is being happy despite not having everything you so deeply long for. It is acknowledging our "wants" and "needs" without losing site of the treasures we already have. It is realizing that what we have now, one day was on top of our list of "must have", the "only" thing we really needed to be happy back then! t

I still want so much, don't we all? I just don't want the "wanting" and "needing" to shape my life. I am throwing out the window the notion that I am one goal away from my "ideal life" ... what if while I dream and cry over it , my "real life" is passing by and I am too busy idealizing a perfect picture? I don't want this regret!

School Pics 2011

I am in love with thsi big girl






And I think she loves me just as much back


I am a lucky woman!!!!

flashback

Ive had the same email account since the late 90’s. I’ve deleted emails as they come in and let some important ones archived. The other day I received a notice that I had reached maximum capacity. So after Lyla fell asleep I decided to clean up my inbox. I deleted most without reading but form 2004 on I went through carefully. It was a trip down memory lane. I felt like I opened a can of worms and they were now crawling all over me again. My Gosh, it is amazing how much I had forgotten about my own life. I smiled and cried taking this virtual trip through the last 7 years of my life… The first email I found that made me cry was the one from my sister a few months after she lost her husband to a motorcycle accident. I remember feeling so guilty that I had a husband and she was enduring such a terrible loss. I read her emails and I felt grateful that she found her way back to happiness again. She is now remarried and with a beautiful baby boy. I found many email from the ex. I had no urge to read them, except for one email in particular. When I read It, it made me sob out loud. It was a conversation we had the day I took my last birth control pill. It was an IM conversation that I saved and emailed him 1 year after we started trying to remind him how excited we both were when we first begun TTC, they things were hard but we could do this together. I remember that day like yesterday; I had no idea the road that this baby making adventure would take me . I miss that innocence so bad! I found emails when I got my first BFP, congratulations e-mail followed but I am sorry ones. A heartbreaking letter when I lost our first pregnancy. I had forgotten how I felt then ( I am glad I did) . I guess Lyla healed that pain. I found the letter I wrote to Lyla when I got a BFP. I was so fearful! and yet hopeful that this time the 2 lines would mean a healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy journey. I can wait to show her one day this letter. I found the e-mail I sent to my uncle so he could read at my grandfather’s funeral. Oh how I miss him! He passed when I was 5 months pregnant. I can’t believe that he never met my daughter. I read an e-mail from a dear friend thanking me for the information I sent him about an experimental protocol he was in to try to find a very devastating brain tumor. He too lost his battle. He too never met my daughter. I miss him! I found the email that I sent announcing that we were having a girl. I found many emails of congratulations when my sweet child was born. I found many pictures I had forgotten about. Message for friends who I lost contact with. I found a few journals I had written when I was deep into the pain of my divorce. I had forgotten how sharp that pain was, and I felt oh so glad to not be at this place anymore. I found a recent e e-mail from my sister telling me to call home immediately. She did not want to tell me over e-mail that our cousin had passed away in yet another motorcycle accident…. Sigh. I did not realize how much loss had crept into my life in the last 7 years. When I added all up It was an overwhelming feeling. So I took them back to the hidden corners of my brain where they belong and tried really really hard to focus on all the good that has also happened during these years, focus on all the things I have now. Most days I succeed, but some days like today I fail...

Her family!

This is not my family, but it is hers!

I cant tell you how happy I was to see Lyla's drawing of her family. Lyla, daddy and mommy... I work really hard so she can have this sense of family despite the fact that this picture perfect family of 3 no longer exists for me.
I also love how skinny I look in this picture LOL!!

Happy Easter

2009.. she was the bunny



2010... Not digging mr. Easter bunny so much



2011... loving the Easter bunny




Happy Easter from Lyla and I

The days of our lives

I am still here... not sure if I have been missed. But I am still here. I have no much going on in my head and yet I can turn into words. I'll give it a try today.

Lyla is 3 now, and true to every transition, she has been challenging lately. Mornings are rough in our household. By 8 am I already used all my diplomacy for the day . Dressing her up is a fight of epic proportions. She changes outfits at least 5 times if she is home. She is taking independence to another level, and I need a extra dose of patience to go along with her grown confidante and stubbornness. But it is all good, I know it is a phase.

I am enjoying so many things about this phase as well. She is just as talkative as I am and we have the funniest conversations. She gets my humor. I am in awe of her speech. Lyla where is my cell phone: "I dont know mommy, it is probably lost"... Lyla do you want cereal? Yes mommy.... hmmm, no, Actually I just want some chocolate milk. She used big words and it is hilarious. She tells me that I am her Best friend and if I make her mad she comes and says : Mommy give me this otherwise you will not be my "blest fliend anymore".

She is very intuitive and I know the time is coming very soon that the big questions are going to start pouring out of her. I am not ready for it yet. She told me the other day that the song we were listening to made her miss her daddy. And that came followed by the question: Mommy, why daddy has his house? I did not know what to say... I said because everybody needs a place to live. She was content with the answer... for how long? I know she is happy, she has a sense of family... he is there for her and sees her almost everyday.

Now that the weather has been great her , we have been spending a lot of time outside. She loves it! And that helps her sleep so much better. Sleep has always been a struggle for miss Lyla and lately she just collapses at 8 pm and sleeps for 11 hours.
This past weekend we went shoe shopping together. She needed some shoes for Easter and Ineeded some flats to go in a date (short guy lol). She loved that place more than any toy store. "Mommy, look at this shoe, it sparkles", "Mommy, love your shoes, can I try them on?", "look mommy it fist me"... size 8 adult seems to fit her just fine haha . I ended up chasing her in the store but it was a fun experience. Made me think about the future when she is older and we can do some many girly things together. I never imagine myself having a daughter prior to her, now I can't phantom otherwise.
We go out on date dinners very often. Either at chick fil A or any fancy restaurant and she sits there like a big girl and we have long conversations over a yummy meal. She likes to toast... "Cheers mommy"! Milk for her and a beer for me makes for a great toast.

I took the day off last Monday. I was tired and really needed some time for myself. I took her to day care and went to my favorite breakfast spot with my laptop and book. after did some shopping and went for a movie. It was heaven. I picked her up early and we enjoyed another movie together, we saw Hop and she watched the entire movie. I love movies, and being able to take her to the theaters now is just fantastic !!! next we are going to see "RIO", can't wait!!!

The other big transition has been pre school. She left the toddler class and she misses her teacher and friends dearly. She seems so little and lost in this new class. She has cried everyday when I drop her off. It is not the tantrum kind , just that quite cry that you know she is hurting. I usually have breakfast with her there and by the time I leave she is fine.

My baby is growing up so fast . It scares me to death that I am not enjoying everything. That I waste time being so wrapped up in life's drama. That I will blink to a little too long and this yet another phase is gone. Days when I lose my cool with her I feel so bad afterwards. But I am only human. I am tired most of the time. Being a "one woman" show is exhausting. I want to slow down time so bad. I am a clean conscious that I am giving my all and the best that I can to her. She makes me so happy, so happy... More and more she is looking like me. She looked just like her dad. But she is changing and I see so much of me in her. She is so beautiful and healthy. I am so blessed!

And you feel like no-one before... Happy 3rd birthday my Lyla!

When Lyla was born her dad, being a musician, carefully chose the first song that she would ever hear … He picked a gorgeous song just for her.
He was really upset that the Dr. ruined his plans by having music on at the OR and Lyla was born at the sound of “Patience” by Guns N' Roses instead.
As soon as we reached the room, me still groggy from all the meds and Lyla peacefully sleeping, he pulled his cell phone and played her song :

“original of species” by U2 (click to hear the music). I had listened to it all my pregnancy and I could believe that I was holding her now and that song meant so much…
“You are the fist one of you kind and you feel like no one before…”

I haven’t listened to this song in a long time. Yesterday Lyla was playing with her baby dolls and I heard her humming some song. What are you singing Lyla? My song mommy…
I paid close attention and sure enough she was singing “her song”… I was transported to that moment at the hospital, the 3 of us and her song filling the room with the magical love of having just met the love of my life

I didn’t not know that but her dad has been playing the song to her and she knows almost all the lyrics. She knows it is her song and she beamed with happiness when I played for her on my cell phone. She slept listening to it, holding my cell phone… humming, so happy… a big girl now, a far cry from that helpless newborn who first listened to this song on march 30th 2008.

… and she feel like no one before!

VIDEO
"And you feel like no-one before
You steal right under my door
And I kneel 'cause I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you're not..."

I will never forget the first time I saw you... I will never forget how empty life felt without you and how much I waited to have you in my arms, to call you mine...





You are a big kid now, all the signs of babyhood and even toddlerhood are now long gone. No more diapers (Potty training took awhile but you got it), no more Paci (It was much easier than I thought), and no more crib (though you prefer my bed, you do enjoy you big girl bed). The 2's were amazing, your personality, vocabulary, motor skills all have developed so much. We went through a rough patch called the terrible twos, but we both learned and found a new rhythm. You are so independent, so funny, outspoken, smart, sweet, caring... You are my constant companion, my best friend, my best girl ever as you like to say. I cant even phantom my life without you my Lyla. I love your little voice, you are like a humming bird , always singing and filling my life with pure joy. You favorite songs are "you are my sunshine", "quanto sinto seu toque", "you never let gp" and all the church songs. You love your church and that makes me so happy. You love school (Ms. Lefan) and your little friends. You love barbies and legos (gifts from Santa), playing with your toy kitchen, putting your babies to sleep, white "chloclat" ice cream, apple juice, fancy Nancy books, Toy story movie, tumbling class (you are a pro on the balance beam). I am so excited for yet another exciting year ahead of us.
















Happy 3rd Birthday my Lyla

I love you forever and ever


Your Mommy!