School Pics 2011

I am in love with thsi big girl






And I think she loves me just as much back


I am a lucky woman!!!!

flashback

Ive had the same email account since the late 90’s. I’ve deleted emails as they come in and let some important ones archived. The other day I received a notice that I had reached maximum capacity. So after Lyla fell asleep I decided to clean up my inbox. I deleted most without reading but form 2004 on I went through carefully. It was a trip down memory lane. I felt like I opened a can of worms and they were now crawling all over me again. My Gosh, it is amazing how much I had forgotten about my own life. I smiled and cried taking this virtual trip through the last 7 years of my life… The first email I found that made me cry was the one from my sister a few months after she lost her husband to a motorcycle accident. I remember feeling so guilty that I had a husband and she was enduring such a terrible loss. I read her emails and I felt grateful that she found her way back to happiness again. She is now remarried and with a beautiful baby boy. I found many email from the ex. I had no urge to read them, except for one email in particular. When I read It, it made me sob out loud. It was a conversation we had the day I took my last birth control pill. It was an IM conversation that I saved and emailed him 1 year after we started trying to remind him how excited we both were when we first begun TTC, they things were hard but we could do this together. I remember that day like yesterday; I had no idea the road that this baby making adventure would take me . I miss that innocence so bad! I found emails when I got my first BFP, congratulations e-mail followed but I am sorry ones. A heartbreaking letter when I lost our first pregnancy. I had forgotten how I felt then ( I am glad I did) . I guess Lyla healed that pain. I found the letter I wrote to Lyla when I got a BFP. I was so fearful! and yet hopeful that this time the 2 lines would mean a healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy journey. I can wait to show her one day this letter. I found the e-mail I sent to my uncle so he could read at my grandfather’s funeral. Oh how I miss him! He passed when I was 5 months pregnant. I can’t believe that he never met my daughter. I read an e-mail from a dear friend thanking me for the information I sent him about an experimental protocol he was in to try to find a very devastating brain tumor. He too lost his battle. He too never met my daughter. I miss him! I found the email that I sent announcing that we were having a girl. I found many emails of congratulations when my sweet child was born. I found many pictures I had forgotten about. Message for friends who I lost contact with. I found a few journals I had written when I was deep into the pain of my divorce. I had forgotten how sharp that pain was, and I felt oh so glad to not be at this place anymore. I found a recent e e-mail from my sister telling me to call home immediately. She did not want to tell me over e-mail that our cousin had passed away in yet another motorcycle accident…. Sigh. I did not realize how much loss had crept into my life in the last 7 years. When I added all up It was an overwhelming feeling. So I took them back to the hidden corners of my brain where they belong and tried really really hard to focus on all the good that has also happened during these years, focus on all the things I have now. Most days I succeed, but some days like today I fail...

Her family!

This is not my family, but it is hers!

I cant tell you how happy I was to see Lyla's drawing of her family. Lyla, daddy and mommy... I work really hard so she can have this sense of family despite the fact that this picture perfect family of 3 no longer exists for me.
I also love how skinny I look in this picture LOL!!