Emotions

I feel a desperate need to write right now... to get some this weight off my chest, but my thoughts have been so disorganized lately. I am also afraid to acknowledge some of these emotions that I have been feeling in the past weeks, because I don't know if I can deal with them if they come to the surface. I am happy and sad, hopeful and skeptic, driven and exhausted, exited and down all at the same time... like a tornado of emotions that clash and surface at random times. I am too rational to be depressed ... or better, I am blessed not to be depressed. Instead I feel that I am in a battle with these emotions, trying to rationalize and compartmentalize them in a manageable way. Most of my joy comes from Lyla and most of my sadness comes from watching my daughter struggle with her relationship with her father. I have spent countless hours talking to her, crying with her, reassuring her, and above all loving her. But I feel so impotent because me being the best mother I can does not make up for the fact that she misses her father. I see him drifting way, like he did with me... falling out of love with his own child and I can only sit here powerless and guide her through her emotions. My conversations with him are pointless, his efforts are minimal , his once excitement about her is fading away ...I cant wrap my mind around it. The depth of my disappointment is hard to explain. I dont know what to do, I have sought professional help... I am trying to protect her with all that I have and also give all her a change to grow up with a father. Where do I draw the line? I took a few days offfrom work, while her father was on vacation (again) with his new family. She was so sad... why didn't dad take me? He did not even explain to her he was going to be out of town again (he had been gone 1 month a few weeks earlier). She cried afraid he was not coming back... I reassured him that he would... He did.. but he came back even more detached. I know him way too well to know what's next and I am sad for my baby, so sad... the numbing kind of sadness. I need to make decisions ... I am so tired of making decisions... so tired. On a happy front, we have a new place and we are loving it. Its bigger and its us. I have been carefully decorating it and I am so proud of our home. Lyla loves her room and sleeps there all by herself... I am amazed. I am have my room, my first room alone ever. Its weird, feels lonely at times, feels too grown up for me , but I am loving it . Lyla learned how to swim... all by herself. She is so scared of the water, but I asked her to be brave and she was... I cried proud tears!! Lyla is craving family time... I miss my family. I need to make some decisions about that as well. Work has been hard. I need more time to devote to it, but I can't. I need to find a new job soon, the next step on my career. I cant be a postdoc forever. But for that I need my green card. I am waiting to hear from the immigration services. I am so nervous about it. Its a huge deal. I dont have a plan B. Luckily, I have been receiving some good news on the work front as well. Ive been working really hard to get my work published and it was finally accepted yesterday. I was thrilled!! my boss was proud, so maybe he will be off my back for a little while. I also got an award to attend a leadership and career development seminar in San Diego for Women in science. Its going to be pretty cool. My best friend , my last single friend is blissfully in love. We got divorced a few months apart and we have kept each other sane throughout this process. I am so so happy for her. She found an awesome man who adores her and treats her like no other ever has... That means that I am the last of the Mohicans . I did not expect this to hit me like it did... I am happy for her but scared for me. Maybe because I am coming out of yet another failed relationship, one that never reached its full potential but it dragged on for long enough to feel comforting. I've had 2 boyfriends after my divorce, this time it has been hard because I fell for him. But I am wise enough to know when its time to walk away, so I did. I never walk away from anything, but for my sake, I had to. I told my friend that I am beginning to understand why she has so many walls up because I feel mine coming up and they are tall. She told me... Cibele, I had to protect myself... Like you have to protect your heart.. the right person will be more than willing to climb these walls. So here I stand trying to protect my heart and trying to stay hopeful. Its feels secure by very lonely behind these walls. My faith has kept me strong and grounded, but I am beginning to think that God thinks that I am stronger than I am.