9 months

Yes, my baby girl is 9 months old. Her personality is just amazing. She is sweet , playful, loving, smart, knows what she wants, . Cruising has been her favorite thing. She goes everywhere holding on to the furniture. 9 months is such meaningful age, I guess is a kind of rebirth for both us.
Happy new year for all of us. Its has to get better right?
Thanks for all you support. Today I feel a little stronger , but fear still has a grip in my heart. Yesterday a friend came over and it was so good to have her playing with Lyla while I could put things in order. Why is it when everything else is a mess we feel a urge to clean? I took all my Christmas decorations out. It just seemed so out of place all these cheerful decorations around the house . As I boxed the tree, the ornaments I could not help but wonder where will I be next year when I open that box to do it all over again. I guess only time will tell us. I worked so hard on my 20's to have my life all figured out and now I am forced to start all over again... I can do this, I can do this!
But enough of that, Happy 9 months sweet Lyla:

Than the rain storm came over me,

and I felt my spirit break...

They say it takes a village to raise a child....Oh God , I hope they are wrong because I am alone on that quest for now on.

1 year ago on the 29th I lost my grandfather, today one year later I lost the dream of the family I've waited for long to have. I can't possibly put into words the pain and the fear I feel right now. I have have so many decisions do make and this weight on my shoulders just keeps on the ground. I try to close my eyes and imagine what to do and my heart sinks to the floor. I can't say I did not see it coming, but the timing of it all just puts a special touch. 2008, the year that I was on the of the world and the year I reached the button. I loved him with all I had, I believed on the forever, I believed on the foundation of family, I believed in romantic love... I still do, but its just no longer my reality. I pray for wisdom and strength . I can do this, I will find happiness eventually. I feel I've failed her , but God knows I tried ,I tried with all I had but I failed her. She deserves better, much better . I have to put myself together for our sake, but for tonight I'll cry. ,

Gone too soon

Today I opened her blog to see how she was doing, just to find out that Emilie from lemmondrops went to be with God on the night of the 23rd. My heard is broken for her husband and her 2 little ones. As a mother I can only imagine how hard is must have been for her to know that she would not be there to raise her two boys. Her husband said well, she is now free of pain and suffering, it just seems she was gone too soon.
less than 2 months ago she wrote on her blog
"Sometimes my desire to live, to hold onto this world, hits me full force, like it did this morning when I was driving across the Mississippi River with Daniel on the way to the mall, and the chilly air winked with sunshine, and K.D. Lang's version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" was playing on the CD player, and I turned around to see how Daniel was liking the song, and we held each others' gaze just long enough until I needed to watch the road again, and tears came to my eyes because I love this life, this music, this autumn, my family, so much. "

It is so sad hat she did even get chance to celebrate Christmas with her family. That Ben's first Christmas will always be a reminder of such a sad time...

Merry Christmas

There are so many of us celebrating first Christmas this year, I am so excited! Mason, Willow, CLaire, Luke, Baby O, MT, Brynn, Swim, Brooklyn, Cate, Pepper, Katherine, Lily,... and the list goes on and on MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Life as we know it can change so fast...

I read this and my heart broke in a million pieces for Emilie from Lemmondrops. Please go over and give her some support
Life as we know it can change so fast... so let's cherish what we have today.

Christmas MeMe

Got this from Delenn
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper. I am not good at wrapping though so I end up buying gift bags
2. Real tree or Artificial? I really would love a real one, but it is too expensive. I just got my first big artificial tree (gift of a dear friend of mine) I LOVE IT!
3. When do you put up the tree? Whenever I have time, ideally the day after thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? Jan 6th
5. Do you like eggnog? Hate it.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Tea set
7. Hardest person to buy for? my friend Maria, she has everything
8. Easiest person to buy for? My husband, he has a long list , many choices. This year aslo Lyla , she would be happy with only the wrapping paper
9. Do you have a nativity scene? yes
10. Mail or e-mail Christmas Card? Both
11. Worst Christmas gift you have ever received? A spice rack from a dollar store
12. Favorite Christmas movie? Elf, home alone
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Before I was a mommy I had time to start early,. This year I haven’t even started it. I am planning to go power shopping on Saturday, wish me luck!
14. Have you every recycled a Christmas present? yep
15. Favorite things to eat at Christmas? Brazilian food , just like I use to have back home
16. Lights on the tree? yep
17. Favorite Christmas Song? Have many
18. Traveling at Christmas or stay at home? Home
19. Can you name all of Santa's Reindeer? Just Rudolph
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning? Both
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The cold temperatures. I grew up with warm Christmas
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? red
24. Favorite ornament? Baby’s first Christmas ornament… I waited for so long to have one of those in my tree.
25. Favorite for Christmas Dinner? Turkey
26. What do you want for Christmas this year? Love , family , health
27. Favorite holiday tradition? In Brazil , "Santa" puts our gifts under the bed. I’ll do this year for my daughter , some under the tree and one special one under the bed.
28.Favorite holiday drink? Don’t have one
29. Do you want a White Christmas even if you live some place you can not have one? Not Christmas eve but I would not mind Christmas day.
30. Do you hang Mistletoe? No

tired

The weather here has been terrible, I am so tired of snow and single digits temperatures (it is 1 degree today ). It took me 2 hours to get to work yesterday because of snow. I am very tired in general, work has not been productive, I am bored and all I wanted is to be home or Christmas shopping. I haven't had time to buy gifts or send cards yet... I did manage to get my tree up this weekend. My first big tree !!!!!! I am so excited. Lyla has been in a very bad mood. She is teething again and because of that she does not sleep well, she still sleep in bed with me because many reasons(more on that later). I am also very tired emotionally, I am trying to focus on the good (Lyla) but everything else is falling apart. I have many posts to write but for now I am avoiding to go to that place where I confront my emotions because it has been already very hard to keep the Holiday's spirit up. I feel the weight of the new year on my shoulders and it is heavy, the heavy weight of the unknown. It is in God's hand, he is in control, not me. I have been reading about so much heartache amongst us in the blogland. My heart goes out to each one of them, you know who you are... I pray for you my friends , pray for us, that the happiness and completeness that we fought to have for so long can finally be what define our lives. I long for this day.


Here some pics of our adventures. Even though is hard , I am still smiling!!!!!!! I have to, for her... because of her

Indroducing ...

Rudolf


Being hands free comes with a price... my poor baby! I felt so terrible for her , it was a big fall, nose first., she cried so much but I guess this comes with trying to be independent. Now she will be for Christmas Lyla red-nosed baby

Hands free

I can't believe it, she is trying to stand up on her own. It happened last night. I freaked out ,.I got the camera and after a while she did it again.... It last 2-3 seconds. My 8 month girl seems to be very adventurous

My gift arrived early!

The gift tag reads: Mom and Dad's best gift ever... indeed

Who is this big girl?

She is growing up so fast, I want to freeze time

Her new favorite think:



Lyla comtempleting her first snow Sunday November 30th



She loved Santa