September 4th

I called the doctor yesterday to ask if I could have my appointment any earlier than Sep 7th because I am growing more and more anxious with the wait. The nurse said that would ask the doctor. Doctor calls me today, she was super nice and said she is completely booked but she could get me in for a scan TODAY! unfortunately I can't today because my new insurance will not start until tomorrow.... MAJOR BUMMER. Today DH could not come and I really really need him to be there with me. But she will see me on TUESDAY for an u/s... 10:40 am!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am freaking out... I am so scared my lack of symptoms means that there will be nothing in my uterus or a blighted egg... I'll be 6w4days, the same time that I was when I miscarried. I will try to stay positive, I only have to survive the holiday now
As for the symptoms... hum, boobs definitely don't hurt anymore nor look any bigger but with some blue veins, gas still bother me , I feel bloated most of the time. camps on and off. Sleepy, only after meals. I feel a bit sick in the morning before breakfast but nothing major. I did gag 3 times when I went too long without food. My skin looks horrible. Mild heartburn and metalic taste in the mouth. But again this can all be due to the major stress I am in.
Dh is playing tonight , i'll go see him playing and try to have some fun!!!!!!!!!!
have a great holiday weekend

6w today!

I should not have told them...

Last week I told my parents and MIL about the BFP. Now I am not so sure if I should have done it. They are so anxious and dying for me to call and say that I feel terribly nauseated , sleepy, hungry....I avoid calling them because the first questions is : how do you feel? feeling pregnant yet? when I say no, I feel the disappointment and worry on their voices. Dh is already super attached to this pregnancy. He talks about the baby all the time, kisses my belly... says how are you doing baby??? .Last Sunday he had to go to work and I said... "I am sorry baby I know you wanted to stay home and relax? , and he said: I want stay home and enjoy my wife and my baby. It sounded so good, so perfect!
I am so afraid to break their hearts again. I've noticed that I am avoiding getting too attached because last time I gave all the a had in me and was left heartbroken. I also know that it part of the scars of dealing with infertility. I know way too much. I got use to disappointment. A Friend of mine is also 5 weeks along, she never dealt with infertility and I envy how casual and stress free the entire process is for her.
Meanwhile I'll keep counting the days: 5w4d today...

10 days until first doc's appointment

Confessions ...

It has been very difficult for me to relax thus far. DH is super excited, talks to my belly, is making plans... Me, on the other hand, I can't relax, I can't enjoy it. This is mainly due to the fact that I have almost no symptoms. I know it is early, but I have been here before, with no symptoms and did not turn out good. I am scared to have a u/s and see nothing inside my uterus, I am terrified about this... My numbers are good but my boobs stopped hurting and are not any bigger, that scares me. I am scared that the only thing that is keeping me from bleeding is the fact that I am on prometrium. I've waited so long to be here , and now here I am and terrified. Dh hates that I say that I want to feel sick, to feel tired, to feel hungry.... he says I should feel lucky. I do have some symptoms:

1- GAS, OMG, it is very bad
2- a bit tired after 5 pm, but not much
3- blue veins but not soreness
4- metallic taste on my mouth ( in the morning)
5- minor skin break out

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I need to share my feelings otherwise I'll explode.
Please baby grow... make youself noticeble... pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

new numbers

SO the new number is in . My Dr. Said that is the last beta that she will do. I am very happy with the result

8/17/07 (15dpo)- 350 (4w)
8/20/07 (18dpo)- 1,188 (doubling time 1.7)(4w3d)

and today's numbers
8/23-07 (21 dpo)- 4,898!!! (doubling time 1.4)(4w6d)


I am so releived, thankful, feeling blessed... These good numbers have to mean something good! right?


have a good weekend everybody. I'll try to relax and hold on to good thoughts

feeling better

You girls are just amazing. Thanks for all the support. I am feeling bettered today. I actually slept good last night. The cramps and back pain are much less noticeable. I am feel very bloated. I think that the back ache was due to gas (sorry TMI)
We told our parents last night, I feel like we need their support and prayers. My mom and mother in law were so happy. Mom said that this past weekend she went to visit my grandparents and all my ants were there with their grandchildren and she felt so sad and left out. She is the second oldest of the family and not a grandmother yet. She is cautiously optimistic like me. My mother in all on the other hand is all the way optimistic, already planning her trip here... I've also told a good friend of mine. I've been asked by all of them if I feel, tired, hungry, sleepy... I DON'T!!!!!!!

MY issue with the doctor is that my insurance will not start until September 1st. I did call my previous doc today, and I asked if I could do a third beta. I know that will not tell much, but I just want have any assurance that it is progressing even though I don't feel pregnant yet, even though mu boobs don't hurt as much anymore. I'll get anything I can to feel a little peace of mind. I am paying all of this myself , so it get expensive to be a so stressed out.

Tom orrow it will be 5 weeks! (22dpo).
Thanks again my friends

nervous and scared

Today I am feeling a little blue. After the nurse called with the new beta I was in such a high... but than on my way home from work I started having lots of cramps and back pain again. If feels like it did before when I m/c and now I am so nervous and scared. I couldn't sleep at all last night and today I feel like a heaviness and soreness on my pelvic region and back. My boobs hurt on and off and I definitely see blue veins. today they don;t hurt as much... I have no bleeding but I am on 100mg progesterone... I am praying with all my heart for everything to go well and I can let go of this fear that it is almost paralyzing. I scheduled the appointment for the OBGYN, she only had a opening on Sep 7th. I guess I'll have to wait. I am sorry to be complaining, I am just so nervous and scared

The new number is in...

Drum roll please!
15dpo: 350
and
18dpo: 1,188!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

doubling time: 1.7 days!!


Even my doc said YAY!!!! when she called me.
Now is wait to U/S #1 ... I havent scheduled yet because I need to find a doc because I changed insurance.
Thank you all for the support!!!

Guess Who is FREAKING OUT?

Me of course..
OMG I am so nervous, so anxious... I am scared that it will happen again. I am feeling less cramps but I am don't feel anything else. No tired, no hungry, no going to the bathroom a lot... boobs not any bigger. I know that is too soon, but I just wish I felt any different. I POAS again today, and it was not any darker than Saturday, but I guess I reached that limit on how high dark the line can be (???, any assvise??).... I got my blood drawn today and results should be in tomorrow. I just have to survive through the day now... I really don't want to be at work right now.... I am sorry if I am being over dramatic girls , it has been very difficult not too stress over this. Thanks for you help and I'll keep you posted
Look my army of HPTs... I have to go to the dollar store and get some cheap ones...

The numbers are in....

Hi ladies,
Thank you so much for the messages of support. It is so great that all of you sharing this moment with me. I just got the sweetest phone call ever: The nurse said:
Progesterone: 32.2
Beta result 15dpo : ITS POSITIVE!!!
350!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG... THANK YOU LORD!!!

Monday I will draw blood again for a second beta. For now I'll celebrate this first step. I POAS today and was definitely darker than yesterday.
I could barely sleep last night,I had a dream that my beta was inconclusive that I was bleeding. I prayed so much, cried and prayed a little more.
A amazing thing happened. The night before I saw that I saw the 2 pink lines I was tossing and turning in bed and DH gently put his hand on my belly and I felt that he was praying. He told me today that he felt compelled to pray for our pregnancy plans, for God to bless us with a baby, and he did not even know!



Thank you all again , you are all on my prayers

M

HOPE is back! *UPDATE

15dpo today and tmep was still very high so I dared to go to the pharmacy at 6 am and buy a pregnancy test, look what I saw





OMG! I am terrified because I feel lots of cramps and no symptoms at all, not even my boobs hurt. I am glad to see that the second line was very dark, but I am paralyzed with fear. I've prayed and said to God to help me , He knows how much I WANT this baby. My insurance will not be effective until Sep 1st. I called the student health clinic from my former school to see if my doc there is kind enough to let me have a blood test done tomorrow. I hope that is is ladies, I am excited , nervous, afraid, so thankful to see those 2 pink lines ... Besides my husband you will the only ones to know. Please keep us on your thoughts and prayers.

UPTADE
I am at work right now but my mind is elsewhere , I feel like I am in a dream. I keep going to the bathroom. I am so nervous with the cramps. I did manage to talk to my doctor form the health clinic. She ordered the blood work (beta and progesterone) and a second beta on Monday. . Thank you all so much for the good wishes. I can;t stop staring at my 2 pink lines ....
one question: Can clomid cause one to have a false positive???

My week in pictures

Hi Ladies,

As I wait for AF to arrive live goes on, I can say that I had a good week thus far..

First I turned in my fellowship application today. It was a lot of work, but I am so proud of it. I hope I get funded. Have to until February to know. Wish me luck

I also got my diploma in the mail this week. Sweet! I actually cried when I saw it. 10 long years (pharmacy school + masters + Ph.D.) and lots of help from many people (THANKS MOM AND DAD AND DH) for me to get there.


My parents sent me some gifts from Brazil, early Xmas!!! . Mom sent me a bunch of post cards so I can sent to you The Braces Bunch so you get to see my beautiful city. I hope you like it!!



I also found this cool gift for DH. He is a drummer so you can tell how much he loved it. We are still looking for a name for him, any suggestions???



Even though this cycle is coming to an end, look at this chart... isn't a nice looking chart? I am not even on prometrium but I am happy to see my temps nice and high. I just wish my boobs would hurt as they did before my m/c.




So there you have it, my week in pictures!

This and That

Hi Ladies,

Not much going on here, Lady Hope is out the door and I am just waiting the Fat lady start singing. AF is due this week and I hear her coming. My dad sent me some 100mg clomid for next cycle (Dad has a pharmacy in Brazil) and he is very help to be able to help me. Today is Father's day in Brazil, LOVE YOU DAD and I miss you a lot.
Yesterday I went to a wedding and whoever did the sitting arrangements had no idea how bad it was to make me sit with 4, I repeat 4, very pregnant women. I tried not to pay attention on their "prenant conversations", after a while it became unbearable and I left early, without saying good by or waiting to talk to the bride. How pathetic am I? and to top all off I cried all the way back home.
My heart goes out to Baby Blues (I hope you get some great news on your next scan) and Loren who has suffered an early loss, I am so sorry my dear I know exactly how you feel. For the rest of you, have a great week!! I have a huge project (My first grant as principal investigator) due this week and I'll be working on the final details for submission on Wednesday. Wish me lucl

HOPE

Every month is the same thing, I start the cycle sad, devastated for another BFN... after a few days the cloud lifts off and Hope sets in. Clomid , early ovulation, sex marathon.... It has to work! 1 DPO, HOPE has unpacked her bags and make her self comfortable. I always imagine that I can be 1 day pregnant (silly me), that things can be different this time. As the days post ovulation goes by, HOPE starts packing her bags again (is always a short stay).7DPO, even despite all the progesterone I am taking I don't have any symptoms, no sore breasts, nothing! I can either try to fool HOPE into staying a little longer and just let her go, at least until next cycle. I know all too well how my cycles end, and what lack of symptoms means, so it is hard to convince HOPE to stay. Sorrow is waiting her turn in line along with AF, I've told them they are not welcome, but they insist in showing up. Even if she goes, I hope that she returns next month, I need HOPE to keep on fighting.

I bought this last month, It will someday be on my baby's crib as a reminder of how long I hoped to see him/her sleeping peacefully and what a blessing that day will be!

My personality matches my nationality ! I AM BRAZIL

You're athletic, charming, and probably a good dancer.
Unfortunately, you don't really mind chopping down the rain forest, and you probably
consider homeless people expendable in certain circumstances.  Of course, your
personality is so diverse that it's hard to track down exactly what you're like. You
definitely like Pele, the World Cup, and shouting "gooooal" at the
top of your lungs


Hunnnn, the first line is not very true...
What country are you? Take the test

http://bluepyramid.org/ia/cquiz.htm

10 things !

Gabby from Vacant womg tagged me http://vacantwomb.blogspot.com/.... Here you have it, The 10 things I love and the ones I hate

10 THINGS I LOVE ( in no particular order)

1- My family – I have a huge family back in Brazil. They are loud, intrusive and some times even annoying but they are loving , supportive, constant, truthful,… they keep me grounded and reminded always were I come from and how far I’ve come


2- My husband – He is my most precious gift from God. He is funny, honest, loving,, a hard worker, a man of values, carrying , selfless, talented , supportive, always optimistic… just a blessing in my life!!!

3- Having a close relationship with God – As I said before, my faith has kept me from falling into desperation in the hard times but has also shaped me into the person I am today. I had the privileged to met a man that shares the same values as I do and I hope that one day we can pass them on to our kids

4- The ocean- I grew up by the ocean and I miss it so much. WHAT AM I DOING IN KANSAS???

5- I love a good meal- Nothing like good food , well prepared , with good ingredients, enjoy it in great company, I also like preparing good meals and sharing with my friends. Speaking of friends… nothing like sharing the things you love with those you love the most

6- Traveling- I only wish I could do it more often.


7- Shopping. Who doesn’t? I love when I find a perfect outfit LOL . I also love buying a perfect gift


8- I love when my house is implacably clean. It always takes a lot of work but I love the final result


9- Friday nights. It feels so good to know that I have the entire weekend ahead of me after a hard week at work.


10- Learning. I love my job because it allows me to learn new things constantly. I love books, watching tv and going to the movies because it allows me to learn and see something I haven’t seen or heard of before… I love meeting new people, new cultures… I love knowing you all




10 things That I hate

1- INFERTILITY . I hate seeing loving women ready to be mothers struggling over infertility when other crack heads like Britney Spears has one kid after the other. I hate the emotions that IF has made me feel, the uncertainty of it all , the constant aching and feeling empty


2- Having to struggle with my weight. That ahs been a constant thong through out my life

3- I hate dealing with superficial, pretentious , and selfish people that insist on making you feel small over things that you don’t have much control of

4- I hate the immigration policy of this country. I hate not going to visit to visit my family because I am afraid that my visa will not be renewed

5- Insurance companies

6- Cold weather after X-mas

7- Bill O’Reilly

8- Peanut butter

9- BFNs

10- Timed sex


I tag Farah http://fertilizeme.blogspot.com/!!!! Can't wait to learn more about you

Jackpot

last month I even had to buy a second package of OPKs , I did no O until cd 22
Today I woke up and thought: Cd 14 today , maybe in one day or so I will start using my OPks since I know I O late. But than I started having lots of O pain and decided to test : POSITIVE OPK.... LOL that is the first time that I got a + with the very first stick. It just made my day... Now I have a mission to seduce DH! Wish me luck ladies