Lyla

Yesterday at church I held a 9 month old baby girl, she was wearing one of Lyla's baby clothes. I immediately I was transported to the time when Lyla was the same age. She felt so much heavier... maybe was the weight of my broken heart that I remember being so much heavier. I remember that her little weight kept me grounded and made stay upright when all I wanted was to lay still on the floor. At times I felt resentful of being the one left behind with such a huge responsibility to care for a 9 month old baby. I feel terrible saying this now but I have to acknowledge this feeling. I remember vividly Lyla awake at 3 am crying her head off and I sitting on the floor outside her bedroom sobbing even harder, feeling like I had no strength to console her... but I did and comforting her somehow comforted my own soul. I remember questioning God why He let me get pregnant when I did when He knew what was going to happen. I had so many questions... I the past months Ive been meditating on these questions and the answers seem so clear now. I cant put into words exactly how I feel. I know now that Lyla came at the right time. My heart swells up with so much love and pride. Her love feeds my soul like nothing else ever did. I still feel overwhelmed some days with all the work that takes to be a single mother, but lately I am seeing even all the work as blessing and a huge honor. I feel so privileged and even at peace with the fact that I may never have children again. Lately she has been asking for me to rock her to sleep. My first instinct was to say no, to stick with the bedtime routine... how silly of me. So now every night we rock and talk about our day. The best conversations I've have ever had in my life. Her little mind is so amazing, her heart is full of love for me, her eyes shine with admiration, my arms make her feel safe. How lucky I am that I got pregnant when I did? I came to find out that Wasband was ready to walk away around that time but because I got pregnant he stuck around for a little while (I had no idea of all of this). If it had hadn't been then, Lyla wouldn't never have exited . Cant even phantom that idea. I have a daughter and even if everything else failed this is and will always be my truth .... I have a daughter!!!

I would've never had the strength and a reason to smile then if hadn't been for her

Lyla at 9 months