This week has been really hardd, I got really sick due to my asthma. Many times I broke down because I knew I had nobody to take care of me, just myself. I had tremendous help with Lyla, the ex really did his part but you know what I mean. You know, when you are sick and you just need somebody to hug you, stroke your hair, kiss you... or drive you to emergency room. I came very close to edge, it felt like the early days again, missing him, wanting him so bad, remember how loving and caring he was for so long . Now I know I miss him because he is all I know, but what I truly miss is having somebody, not necessarily him, Does it make sense?? that itself is a huge step for me. He is replaceable.
Miss depression has been trying to get inside my soul for many months now, but I refuse to let her him. The ropes hug me tighter someday and it is hard to move, but I do it anyway. Even between cried I work hard, live hard, enjoy the moments.
Somebody brilliant said this
"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Sometimes you need to look back, before you can move on ahead."
For me freedom is coming with a constant awareness of what still makes me happy even in the midst of sorrow . And she is so right, It is necessary to look back, accept the past in order to move on ahead.
writing about my feelings has really helped me and I hope that soon I can look back at these days and remember that I am stronger than I thought.
Here is a recognition of my work in Polycystic kidney disease , a project that I developed late last year/ early this year , during the hardest months of my life, when I thought that my mind could not think clearly, that I hated my boss for pushing me so hard when I could barely breath... I did it, and did it well. My smile here is real, just like the tears I have now writing this post.
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me that
I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good
For something
Hold on feeling like I'm heading for a
Break down and I dunno why
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then You'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy
I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
8 comments:
From these trials, you get to learn how strong you are. You're doing a great job. I hope you will be able to find someone to share a life with you and Lyla.
Oh Cibele, this post really got to me. I would so have helped you get through this last week, with your asthma. Poor sweetheart.
But ... do you know, that what you wrote is a huge huge deal? About not necessarily wanting your (ex) hubby .... but just wanting *someone* to be there for you. That's a really big realisation, and I kind of feel excited for you. At the possibilties, of what is to come in your life.
Kepp going. You are doing magnificently, and I take my hat off to you. XOXOXO
Congratulations on the recognition of your hard work! Looking back at that plaque years from now, you will look back and say "I made it through."
You are making it through each and every day. And you are stronger each day. You are being a wonderful mother to Lyla!
[Hugs]
This is such a gorgeous post. I want to reach through the screen and hug you and tell you that you're doing so well, you're so strong, even though you don't feel that way.
Because we're the strongest when we FEEL the weakest.
You are amazing, Cibele.
Hugs and love and the hopes that those ropes that bind you loosen a bit soon.
xxx
You probably already know that this post speeks volumes to me. Having gone through the heartbreak of infertility and a huge spousal issue right after I can relate when you talk about the waiting. I think you have come so far since last year when it all fell apart as have I. I know that both of us now have the strength to make it through anything!
I hope you start feeling better soon!
I think the progress you've made is amazing. Like you said, you haven't had any time to just sit back and enjoy life because you've always been fighting for something. Congratulations on what you have accomplished in the midst of all this craziness. I sit here in admiration of your strength and honesty. You deserve to be happy and I think you're taking the right steps to get there!
I'm late in giving you a hug so I'm making it EXTRA BIG!! congrats on your much desereved award and I echo many in saying what an amazing woman you are. Keep smiling your beautiful smile!
Just coming back to catch up.
Yes, when you are sick you really want to be taken care of. Having someone take on your responsibilities is not quite it, although that helps.
Congrats on the award - you have definitely achieved a lot despite everything! Including a very cute little girl from the pics up above.
Bea
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