being open , sharing my heart

Today I watched the 1 hour special of John and Kate plus 8. I set in front of the tv and I cried , actually I sobbed. I saw my life (different circumstances) played out in front of my eyes. Their body language, the disconnect, the pain, the sadness over broken dreams, the innocent kids... so familiar, so familiar. No matter what are the circumstances, breakups are hard, very hard for everybody involved. One would never never know "how far and how wide" the pain goes until you are in the middle of it ( I hope that you never will). I never thought that would be my life, but it is, sadly I became a statistic. Our almost 12 years together will be summarized in a few lines in the future. My heart breaks all over again writing this.
As sad and as hard it is, the "show" must go on. I (we) try to make the best out of this situation. I refuse to let any of this affect what kind of mother I am and will forever be for Lyla. For her I swallow my pride on the daily basis so she can have happy childhood memories with her momma and dadda like any other kid ( at least for now, during these transition times). I refuse not to celebrate the Holidays, even the painful ones, like father's day yesterday. I walk the fine line between what is best for her and what is healthy for me, for my sanity. I've cried hard tears (still do) while still smiling with genuine joy when we do things together. Like with infertility, people don;t know how to approach me, they often say hurtful things, they often judge. I probably did the same when I lived in my bubble. I try to stand tall and with my head held high even though inside I feel like inferior and a failure.
I will forever forever love him as the father of my daughter, as my first love, as the one that taught me how to dream big, how to drive, how to speak English, how to love music... even though I haven't forgiven him for breaking my heart in a million tiny pieces, for breaking his vows of forever, for giving up without a fight... Even though I will never understand his motives , I can't only accept and respect his decisions. One can not force love, it has to be spontaneous, it is free... Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. I felt this love before and it is the loss of this love that I am grieving. I miss and love the man that I married, the one I wish my baby would know, the one I chose to parent with me, not the one that he became. But she loves him, she loves her daddy and he loves her back. The one that I love is long gone, the one that she loves is here for her, not for me. It has been a long and difficult year for me so far, but slowly I can see and think more clearly, the rain is not yet gone, but I am hoping that it will be soon.

I usually don't talk about it here on this blog,because this is my mommy blog, my happy blog and some things are just too personal to share here. I thought about them, how hard it must be to do it on tv, to be exposed like this. I just wanted to share a piece of my heart with you all. Every picture that I post here , every smile , every happy, sad, mad, worried post, it is all genuine and real. I am a women of many layers, some bitter, some sweet... all very real!
Thanks for reading...