Update!

It has been awhile since I;ve taken the time to write a blog post. I have so much to talk about but my thoughts feel so scattered. I will try to update you guys on what's going on with my life

Lyla:
Soon she will be 4! cant hardly believe it. She is a joy... challenging at times, but mostly an absolutely joy to be around. She is a talker, it amazes me how articulate she is! Her Portuguese is a bit rusty, her dad and I need to do a better job keeping her bilingual. She is not shy at all, she talks to strangers, bosses around her little friends, talks on the phone like an grown up. She loves pretend play and her imagination is just amazing. She can play by herself for a long time. Her favorite toys are still her toy kitchen and baby dolls and all the accessories that come with them. She tells me constantly that she wishes she was a grown up so she could be a mom already. She wants 4 kids, 3 girls and 1 boy. Every time she says that I smile and I say a silent prayer that when the times come she can have the family of her dreams, I pray that infertility or divorce will never be part of her vocabulary .
Lyla is very loving and expressive about her feelings. She tells me : "I love you too much mommy" ... So cute! so genuine!! pure love that I have never felt before. She is very vocal about her other emotions as well... "I am mad at you mommy", "this makes me sad". "I am in a silly mood today", "Mommy, are you happy like I am?", "I am going to miss you when I go to dad's house, but I miss him too now"... Speaking of dad, she is a daddy's girl. He went on vacation and he was away from one month. She had such a hard time missing him. He called her everyday but still it was very hard on her. He is a good dad and I am glad he made the choice to be part of her life in an active way. It validates my choice to keep the divorce mostly conflict free and try to build a different kind of "relationship" with him. This "realtionship" comes with a price tag, one that I am willing to pay if means that my daughter has what she deserves: a sense of family, extra love and security.
The most challenging thing about Lyla lately has been food. She is such a picky eater. She doesn't eat pasta, cheese, bread and pizza, just the egg whites and all fruits, veggies, grains, and meats with no sauce. She likes healthy food LOL... at home that's not a problem but at school its a HUGE struggle since most meals have the carbs that she doesnt eat... She will eat the side dishes but never the main meal. I am not too worried about it, she is on the 90% for weight .
As far as sleep goes things are okay, she sleeps early 7:30 and I stay with her until she falls asleep. I don't mind it, it is our bonding time. We read, we snuggle, we talk about our days, we pray, we giggle . The only problem is that we share a room so she usually comes to my bed during the night. I am ready to move on to a bigger place. I am scared to take the financial burden than comes with a bigger place. But it is just too challenging to keep sharing a room with her now . Toys are everywhere, I have no privacy , she has no space, I need more closet space... did I mention that I need privacy?

Right now she is not enrolled on any extra school activities. Part of me feels guilty but part of me thinks that she needs the free time. As it is she spends long hours at preschool. Most of the classes are at impossible hours for working parents. I am going to enroll her for dance classes for fall, just because she loves it so much. I was thinking about soccer for spring and swimming for summer. We will see. What activities/classes are your children taking?

ME:
I am doing well, very tired after this month long solo parenting adventure. The first 2 weeks were challenging but I found my mojo. Lyla and I got into a routine , I found a nice sitter and was able to go out two times while Lyla slept peacefully and safely at home. Her dad was back yesterday. Part of me is really longing for an evening alone, maybe go to a movie, on a date with the new guy, but mostly I am missing her already. I got used to not having to share her.
Work wise I am feeling really unmotivated. I want to move on, I need to move on and make more money. But I cant, not until I get my green card. I have started with the process, it takes time and lots of money and I am doing it alone. I was able to save up for it, but it will be a tight squeeze to be able to finance it all by myself. I am damn proud that I at a point that I can even apply but I am also scared and anxious about the outcome and finances. There are so many critical things that have to happen this year and it is all on my shoulders and I am feeling the burden big time. Some days the weight of it all really pulls me down. I miss the partnership of being a couple, of running your ideas by somebody, knowing that the task is easier if two are tackling it at the same time. I am dating again, but its not the same thing, at least not yet. Its fun to have somebody to go to the movies and dinner with, to go watch the college basketball games, to text during the day, to go on a quick weekend trip, to dress up for... !
Work, parenting, dating... everything is so disjointed. Its seems that I am a different person at each task and each one of them is so urgent, it requires juggling to be able to be good at each one of them, I am always prioritizing or feeling guilty that I am not giving myself 100% to each of one these roles... It is exhausting.
When I was TTC I kept waiting for life to start after I had a baby, then now I keep waiting for life to start after I settle down with somebody again... that's not healthy and I want to get out of this mind set... its a trap and we can watch life going by on the sidelines while we wait for the "real stuff" to come along.
I heard that wasband broke up with the woman he broke our marriage over... the woman that he told me was the love of his life and maybe he never loved me because he was still in love with her all those years ... apparently she was too demanding and he has found another "love of his life' on his recent trip to Brazil... good for him! I am not quick to love like that... but when I do, I hope it not this kind of disposable love. People wonder why I am still single and not married again, they even worry about me... no need to worry!!! I guess I am just too cautious or not too eager. It will happen when it happens, things always take time to happen for me, that's just how it is.... but they eventually do!