The Holidays are here. DH and I are getting ready for another Holiday season being childless. We are trying to make the best out it because we know we still have lots to be thankful for. I was feeling strong, Thanksgiving was a great day, we are thankful that we have each other, that our love remained strong even through these hard times. I woke up excited to put the Christmas decoration up… just two of us… our tradition (remember we are not from here, so we are getting settle into the American traditions). Right before we had breakfast SIL called because we are suppose to have lunch together tomorrow. We were talking about the restaurant reservation (it will be a big group -15 Brazilian women) than she said: Can I invite A? I said: Of course! By the way, she is pregnant again!. My first reaction was: really? I am happy for her, number 2 already? … Indeed I am happy for her, she is a fantastic mom. But than I hung up the phone, I felt all my confidence going away. Than I remember we will be the only ones childless out of our group. I was reminded one more time what I failure I feel like sometimes. Than I cried, I cried, I cried… DH cannot understand it. HE said, but I don’t want her baby, I want our baby… He than told me that I use not to be a jealous person. I AM NOT, I AM NOT A JELOUS PERSON…and that makes me feel even worse to cry over her happy news. But I can’ help and ask, why not us? Why not many women that still dying for their number #2? Why does it hurt so bad? Last year we ahs just had our m/c , Xmas was painful but I was so sure that that would be our last one alone ( I was naïve). Now I cannot even bring myself to think that next year will be different. I have lots of hope, but my innocence was taken way. I only hope I become stronger and know how to deal this madness!
4 comments:
Oi Ci tudo bem?
Vim pra te avisar que saí do orkut por motivos pessoais, mas nao esqueci da homenagem da comunidade... mas fiz diferente. Joguei flores ao mar em homenagem ao Gabriel (que adotei a mamae) e a Haziel, meu anjo. Queria pedir que transmitisse o recado a comunidade se puder... tenho todas no meu coraçao. Fomos eu e meu marido num passeio de barco essa folga, e achei que valeria a pena.
Depois posto fotos quando der, ando meio sem tempo pra atualizar o blog, rs...
E vc ve se fica bem viu?? Vamos unir nossas oraçoes e pedir com coraçao limpo que o Pai nos permita ser maes nesse ano que vai começar logo logo...
Mil beijos pra vc e tudo de bom!!
Ci, sentir inveja é completamente norma. trust me: been there, done that.
Logo depois que eu perdi meus bebês (foi antes do Natal do ano passado também) eu soube que minha prima estava grávida do segundo filho. Chorei MUITO a noite toda, de inveja mesmo, de raiva, de medo de jamais conseguir ter outro filho.
Eu entendo a dor do seu coração, e sei também que nada do que eu diga vai amenizá-la.
Envio meu abraço virtual e muita luz: que o Natal do ano que vem possa ser diferente e feliz.
Beijo grande e abraço apertado.
I think because it happens in your body, it is a lot more real to you than to your husband. I know my husband wanted a child as much as I did, but he too couldn't understand the jealousy--it's not that you want them sad; you just want to have that happiness too. When he finally got it, it made the journey easier. But it took him a lot of time--over two years. And he would tell me to go to the baby shower or go maternity clothes shopping with a friend because he just didn't get it. It's not that you turned into a jealous person. The yearning is just so strong that it clouds all other feelings in this one aspect of your life. Hang in there.
Why the switch to English? Are you going to go back and forth? I like trying to use the "translation" function on Babelfish and figure out the Portuguese to English :-)
"um abraco grande" from an english reader. i linked from "stirrup queens" and just wanted to voice my support.
my husband and i are also in very different places in terms of how we deal with the emotions of childlessness.
i noticed that the anniversary of the loss of your baby was last week and wanted to send an extra hug. i know how hard it can be.
(i'm looking forward to seeing if i can understand any of your old posts - i lived in manaus for a year, but that was 16 yrs ago! oh my!)
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