I have so much going on that I don’t even know how to start. In the Last two weeks a series of unfortunate events, that I rather not to talk about right now, really forced me to change course. The plan was to go to Bethesda, start my post doc in a very famous lab in G-protein signaling. We would stay apart for 6 months (since husband has to finish school her in KS) and start IF treatment in 08. To be honest it took a long time to reach that decision. It was hard to decide to move and start all over. Being by myself and way for my dear husband for the first time ever really scared me. However, I was excited with the fact that I would have IF coverage and could start fighting for what I want so badly, to be a mommy! Now things have changed and I will not be able to move for another year. It is weird how I never I wanted to leave to begin with, but now that I have to stay I am a bit sad about it. Just one more thing to be feeling out of my control about as IF is not hard enough. The thesis writing process is going smoothly, I am proud of myself that despite of all the drama I am able to focus and produce some good work. I convinced myself that getting pregnant should be the last thing in my priority list right now. Oh, how wish my heart would not argue with my mind! How I wish I could just put all these feeling aside for a while not feel empty as a drum! I couldn’t honestly sing that cheesy song right now: “Man I feel like a woman”! I really don’t… the pressure to perform well in my professional and personal life took a tool on my self steam. And the worse thing is that I am my worse critic. I want to be a mother, I want to be a brilliant scientist, have a great career doing cutting edge research, a supportive wife, a loving daughter and granddaughter and sister, a cool aunty, a good friend, a nice looking woman (my shallow wish), a faithful Christian … and I feel that I am failing myself in all the departments!. My wish to be a mother seems to be further than ever. I am doubting the importance of my work as I write my thesis. It all just feels like a bunch of fancy words said over and over again in 300 page spread. I am trying to be supportive of my husband during these hard times but my own pain stops me cold sometimes and I only wish that it is my turn to hurt! I feel deeply said about this, as he is a wonderful husband and is trying to shield me from all the madness so I can concentrate on producing masterpiece of science. Despite the fact that my family and I live in different continents and that I call constantly to check on them, I am sad about the fact that will not be able to go to Brazil again this year. I am afraid form my 80 year old grandpa’s health and sacred that he will no longer be there when I finally decide to returm.
As hard as I am trying to be very happy with the arrival of a new nephew or niece and I can’t get over my “always am aunty never a mommy” complex. I do love my nephew (C) and niece (S) but I feel sad that I am avoiding them lately.
As for my friends, I am not there for them either. Just found out that one of my best friends is separating from her husband. She asked me if she should sleep over. She told that she’s been having lots of problems with her husband since September last year. September??? Where was I? She said that she felt I had a lot in my plate already and she did not want to bother me!
Contrary to most woman, I eat when I am sad,when I am under pressure, I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am angry, I eat , I eat and I eat… So, as result the pounds have accumulated and my self steam has left the building.
Lastly but not least, I am dealing with my faith, in what does it mean to wait for better days , knowing that God is in control. I am trying hard not to think that God is unfair sometimes and trying to get the lesson that needs to be learned and the growth that comes from hard times.
Sorry for such a down post. I had to get it out of my chest!
I wish you all a great week,
4 comments:
Aww, Cibele, I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. And please never apologize for a sad post; that's what we're here for after all. You are an amazing person who deserves all the happiness in the world. Don't worry about your friends who come to you long after something has gone wrong. I tend to think that those friends weren't really ready to share their info yet, for whatever valid reason. The fact that you are there for her in your own way when they do decide to come to you is the most important part. If you need to vent, feel free to email me. You have a fabulous friend to me in our short time of knowing each other, so hold your head high my friend and know that you are good. OK?
Sounds like a rough time. Stay strong! I hope better days are around the corner for you!
Oh my, let's just take a DEEP breath.
So much indeed going on.
I have sad news for you, though: it is impossible to be the perfect wife, scientist, mother, lover, bla bla bla. Which is actually kinda relieving if you ask me. It is just too much work to try and be perfect in all departments, this is just soap opera stuff.
As for being away from your family and friends, it is just hard to keep up. I am of course much closer (in Minas, family in São Paulo) but even then it is hard to give as much attention as if we lived two blocks away.
Faith... To be really honest with you, I don't really believe God has anything to do with what happens to us on Earth. It is easier for me to think like that, otherwise I would seriously think that God is unfair which I honestly don't think is the case. Whatever you believe, the most important thing is that it gives you comfort. Specially through the hard times.
Take one day at a time, as hard as it is, that's the only way I've managed to live through everything that has happened to me.
Kisses
Cibele, sorry you're feeling so down right now. Sometimes it feels like everything comes at you at once. And it IS hard to stay optimistic at these times. Don't ever feel bad about venting or being sad in a post. We're all there sometimes, and we all understand.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping you're feeling better soon!
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