Cold nights like this are so lonely. I feel the chill down in my bones. Lyla is asleep, I am done with my almost endless chores, now I am left alone with a zillion thoughts dancing inside my head and an aching heart. I remember the way my arms ached for a child, now they are filled with the tender sweet hugs of my daughter, MY daughter (I never get tired of repeating this: My daughter!). I hate that I find myself longing again, I feel ungrateful because all I ever wanted was her. But my arms ache again. I have forgotten how it feels to be some body's beloved. Maybe I never was, it was all a illusion on my part. This overwhelming feeling that if you fall nobody will be there to pick you uo in a way that only the one that loves you the most can do. Sometimes I am at places surrounded by families like at my church, and I am holding Lyla alone just the 2 of us. My heart is filled with pride because she is a healthy, happy, smart, gorgeous girl and a true gift from God , but she feels heavy in my single mother arms at times. The weight of responsibility (that I know I can handle), the emotional toll that all these months have been taking on me, the lonely nights, the ghosts of my past... all on my back bringing me down while I try to stay standing. I am standing, holding her, enjoying motherhood, enjoying the Holidays... but some days I just need to be HELD, to be able to say: I am tired and don;t feel like being strong at this moment. For the first time I know I don't want to be held by him, my arms don't ache for him, these tears are not for him, but for a special someone, yet unknown, that will love me for who I am. For the first time I know I am ready to try and love again.

"Try And Love Again" Eagles

When you're out there on your own
Where your memories can find you
Like a circle goes around
You were lost until you found out
What it all comes down to

One by one
The lonely feelings come
Day by day, they slowly fade away

Ooh, the look was in her eyes
you never know what might be found there
She was dancing right in time
And the looks she made so fine
Like the music that surrounds her

Should I stay or go?
I really want to know
Would I loose or win
If I try and love again?
gonna try and love again
I'm gonna try and love again
gonna try and love
gonna try and love

Right or wrong, what's done is done
It's only moments that we borrow
But the thoughts will linger on
of the lady and her song
When the sun comes up tomorrow
Well, it might take years to see
Through all these tears
Don't let go
When you find it you will know

Oh, Gonna try and love again
gonna try and love again
Sometimes lose, sometimes win,
Sometimes you need a friend
gonna try, gonna try
gonna try, gonna try, [etc.]




Meanwhile I'll keep being strong and getting fufflied by this pure love that only her can give me! The joy that being her mother gives me keeps me standing. This picture was taken by a good friend of mine. It holds great meaning to me. It was taken Jan 3rd, the day he left the house, I could barely breath. I cried many tears that day but she was able to captured this moment when Lyla gave me a sweet baby kiss. In that moment I felt joy, pure joy, in the midst of all the heardache there was joy , there is still joy !!!



I am glad that soon I will be home, embraced by my family. They too love me like no others.