Today I am feeling blue,
I have been as busy as one can be. Writing my thesis has been exhausting, challenging, draining but rewarding. Making decision where to go, what job to take, made me feel in control again, on a track with sure reward in the end of the road. Even though everything is so complicated I am glad to be busy and have my mind taken way from TTC land. For a little while I felt like the strong, determined, "work hard and get what you want" kinda woman that I though I was. But today I felt a deep emptiness. As if I could never get the same pleasure out of my success as I use too. I felt like a failure! A barren PhD!
For now I can only wait and concentrate in what I can do. I know that there is a lesson to be learned on being still, on waiting, on stop struggling. Just be STILL Cibele! But how? I am ready, ready to fight, ready to be the "work hard and get what I want" woman. I know that I am being naive to thing that there is any guarntee on trying harder. I just wish I could!
There is a song that says: Be Still and know that He is God, Be still and know that He is merciful... I AM TRYING!!!
3 comments:
I have felt the same way. I'm also used to working hard and achieving goals. Are we control freaks? It's difficult to realize this is a situation that we really have no control over. You can do everything right and still not reach the ultimate goal. You will find more peace as you go on. We go through many phases. You'll add to your family one way or another! Hang in there!
Cibele, the truth is: we live in a society where we're supposed to achieve. If we don't, we're a failure.
Unfortunatelly things don't work exactly that way, specially when it comes to TTC... It is not easy, and I still feel like this: I have a tendency to go into pre term labor, this will happen again in my next pregnancy. My body won't work right and drug addicts and teenagers have dozens of babies.
Life sucks sometimes. That's just the way it is.
Sendidng you loads of baby dust and a warm virtual hug!
That is another changing time for you, Cibele. As for me things are very similar. I am going to move again, school started, and I am getting so busy that I barely have time to think about it. Maybe it is time to stop and see what we have rather than crying over what we don't. I know sometimes it seems like we can't handle this, and we feel so hopeless thinking we don't deserve what many others take for granted. But God knows what he does, and our only hope is wait on Him and believe that indeed we will see better days. I hope you know I am always here for you, and that I appreciate every minute you take to say these supporting words.
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