Hi Ladies
First of all I would like to thank you all for the support. It is good to know that I have people that understand how I feel. I haven't heard anything else about SIL, and I am getting used to the news (I have no option). It seems like I might have other news to deal with. I called my mom today in Brazil and my baby sister "is late" (those good old days when being late meant something to me). Honestly speaking, I would love to have the opportunity to give my parents their first grandchild, but I am happy for her if it is true that she is PG. My sister has been through a lot. She got married 4 and 1/2 years ago with her high school sweet-heart. They have been married for 10 months when he had a fatal motorcycle accident. He was only 24 and she was a 22 year old widow. I never saw so much pain and desperation. She was so hopeless. After 3 years, here she is married again with a great man and with the possibility of being pregnant. So I am happy for her, and I would love to see a little one from her even though I will hurt a bit. Mom said she did not want to be PG because she wants me to be first (That is so sweet of her). She even told me once that she would carry a baby for me if I couldn't. GOD, I LOVE HER!!!
I have some bad news that made me sad. A good friend of us just found out that his mom has cancer. She went to be operated for a hernia and turned out she has intestinal cancer and maybe some metastasis in her uterus. He is devastated. Here is here in the US and his mom in Brazil. Pray for him and his mother if you can.
My Husband got really upset with this news, he lost his dad already and he can relate a lot with the pain of our friend. In the light of this news he got home looked at me and said: "Gosh, and we think we have problems, hum?". Hobby is very big on something Mel calls "comparative Pain" (I would put a link to her blog If I knew how to, sorry!!!). Every time he hears something that somebody is going through he thinks that we are being silly because our pain of not being able to conceive (so far) is not as big or as hurtful, at least is not life threatening . It used to make me feel very small and inappropriate to cry over my barren status when other people have cancer. Than today, I felt different. After his comment I replied: We do have problems, just different kind of problems a different kind o heartache I guess. Please, by no means I am comparing the situations, and I really did not want o be on his position with my mom or father ill. I feel deeply for him and I wish the best of outcome for his mom. But, I still feel entitled of my pain. Am I wrong? Has IF turned me into a self-centered person? I just wish HE would stop measuring up how I feel, comparing and making me fell inadequate and shameful (Don’t I feel like that already?). I love him; I just wish he could live with my aching heart for one day.
6 comments:
Oh, I hear you my friend. Lot's of people are always telling me it could be worse. How is that a reason not to be sad and or angry about what's happening to me? Just because there is someone else out there suffering in one way or another, that should be a reason to be happy about my own misery? Hell no. I'm entitled to my feelings, end of story.
Glad you are able to be so generous with your kindness concerning your sister. You are a better sister than I am by far.
You are NOT wrong for feeling sad, hon. And I'll bet you ANYTHING that your husband says these things because comparative pain makes him feel better and he's trying to help take away YOUR pain.
But you are right. The way you responded was perfect - you DO have heartache, just of a different kind.
That's wonderful news about your sister, and I hear you about it hurting a little. It really does.
*hugs*
Saudade tambem honey...
Eita sentimento esquisito esse... mas nao fique se martirizando nao... So nos mesmos sabemos a dimensao do nosso sofrimento, a comparaçao eh meio complicada mesmo. Sua sister deve ter muito orgulho de vc, e sua Grande Bençao virá logo, pode ter certeza.
Esse mes nao deu pra mim, =(, mas nao perdi o pique, rs!!!
Muitos beijos e nao some nao!!
I completely agree with you. Pain is relative. You don't have cancer, but you are suffering from infertility. True it is not life-threatening, but it is very real and very painful for you. Sometimes I look at what others are going through and think that my problems are not so big. It helps you keep a perspective, but it doesn't make it any easier.
Your sister sounds very sweet. I hope things work out for the best.
Ci, I totally understand what you mean. It's not about comparing the problems, but each problem affects different people in different ways. that's just how it is!
I don't know w]how I'd feel about my sister being pregnant before I could. Your sister story is so hard, and I am sure she deserves this blessing, but I'd be heartbroken anyway...
I hope you can announce your pregnancy soon. Infertility just sucks...
Cibele, your post resonates with me on many levels. In 2002 I lost my 24 year old cousin, the son of my godparents in a tragic, fatal car accident. The loss my family has endured, especially my wonderful aunt and godmother has been heartbreaking. Recently, she has been an amazing confidante for me as I have been struggling with infertility. I wrote her a note where I confessed that I felt so bad crying to her about my problems, when she had been through so much tragedy already. I told her that our pain over the loss of her son and our pain over my inability to conceive were incomparable, that they shouldn't and couldn't be compared. But at the same time that I felt like I shouldn't bother her with my suffering since she had lost her son. She said:
"Thank you so much for sharing how you are feeling. And please, don't feel guilty about anything--especially about how you are feeling. We are not supposed to compare feelings--only respond and embrace them. You have every right to how you're feeling. My response, as a friend, is to validate those feelings. I hope you know that I truly do; without any exceptions or reservations." Oh, how I love my godmother...and I think she is right. Not all people are capable of this, and certainly we must be respectful of others' pain when it is raw and new. But that we can be there for each other...that is most important. I have noticed in a lot of relationships in my own life that I can be strong when someone else is weak, and care for them, prop them up and that they do the same for me when I am the one in need. I am eternally grateful that I have these relationships...
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