Randon

I've been meaning to write a post for a long time but my thoughts are so unorganized. There is so much going on and yet I feel as if i am still a bit stuck. Here a few of the radon thoughts going on my crazy mind:

_ I was watching the movie Jerry Maquire this weekend and on the very last scene, the famous "you had me at hello scene" , right before he shows up all the women are talking and one them says: "These freaking Holidays make me feel more divorced" . Whoever wrote that line knew what they were talking about. I feel more divorce during any holiday, even labor day. When I am doing some fun things with Lyla and my friends with their families and I feel like the odd one out. I sit and watch the couple's dynamics. When they arrive, one carrying the kid(s) and the other with all their stuff . The guys are usually grilling, the ladies complaining about the guys, or the guys are playing outside with the kids and the ladies inside... except that I have to be outside too watching Lyla. I see myself shifting between different roles, doing the job meant for 2 but for it comes naturally for me to do alone, it is all I know. My friends even complain that I don't know how to ask for help. Or when he has Lyla I don't know what to do with myself. I can even be doing something fun , but my mind is always wondering what they are doing, how is she enjoying whatever new experience they are having. it kills me not to be there. It has gotten much easier, I've learned to let go. I don't feel sorry for myself or even sad anymore but it surely makes me feel more divorced.
Overall I am very comfortable on my own skin of a single parent but there are moment that I am reminded of the little things that Lyla misses out. The other day I mer her and her dad at an restaurant. At least once a month we have a meal together with her, she loves it. We were leaving the restaurant and I grabbed her hand and so did he . There we were, if somebody looked from outside they would never guess. We lifted her up in the air each one of us holding her hand... she laughed and asked for more " again daddy, again mommy" ... we played with her in the parking lot and it hit me that this was the first time that we both held her hand and played this game with her... the first time and she is almost 2 and a 1/2. I felt sad but yet ver very grateful that we can give this to her, to put our egos aside and give her some of the simplest pleasure of being lifted up in the air by mommy and daddy.


- other thing caught my attention on TV the other day. I was watching Anthonny Bourdain no reservation and he had a show about his hometown NJ. he said something that really made me think... he said: "the place you come from is not only where you were born but where you came of age ".. he is right, so right. I am a woman caught between two nations. I was born and raised in Brazil, I am Brazilian, 100% Brazilian. But I came of age here, not in the true sense, but when iI got here almost 10 years ago I was a young naive adult, I had never lived by myself, never paid bills, never worked (went to pharmacy school full time)... I became an adult here, I became a mother here, I learned that life can be very hard and yet healing comes with time here . I wake up in the middle of the night when wonder where should I live. I miss my family terribly and yet I am not ready to go back. I guess I will be forever caught in the middle specially now having an American daughter. If you ever have the chance watch the movie "the name sake" and you will understand a little what I am talking about.