unsettled

I’ve always been a planner, I like to prepare ahead of time, sometimes even over prepare. I like to follow a straight path and color between the lines. I thrive in routine and predictability never bores me. I’ve always had goals and worked really hard towards them and knew that if I worked hard enough things would happen just as I planned At 17 I entered pharmacy school, the first one of my family to go to college. I knew from day one which classes I was going to take during these 5 years. I followed the protocol and 5 years later I had my diploma. I got married a few days after graduation, just as planned. I moved to the USA, I worked hard, learned English, applied, got in, and 5 years later I was a doctor. I was fortunate enough to have things happen this way for many years of my life. Don’t think that it was easy, I had many many obstacles, I had to defy many odds, I work harder than I can tell you… but in the end, things happened and there was always another big goal ahead of me. I set the bar really high for myself and I expected nothing but 100% . I knew that I was blessed and that hard work alone did not take to where I was, there was also luck and other people’s generosity and talents helping along the way.
On the personal front I married young and in love. I cherished our marriage more than any degree or personal victory. I gave my 100% and learned to work hard alongside him. He taught to enjoy life , to just relax and sometimes just go with the flow . I found a balance on my mid 20’s. I felt my best at 25. I still expected a lot from myself but I was more forgiving with Cibele. The marriage routine soothed my soul. Being a team took the burden of my shoulders and being less than 100% was okay because we could just add up our joined efforts and get there together. Soon after my 25th birthday I was faced with the biggest obstacle of my life since then. Infertility! It did not matter if we both gave our 100% , things were not happening and they did not for a while. I did what I do best; I obsessed, I planned, read about it, researched my options … I was a woman in a mission. After a while it was obvious that he and I dealt with it differently. There is no wrong or right way but this spilled over many other areas. We are very different, I thought… aren’t I glad that I have somebody different than me to balance things out and to complete me? We are very different; he thought… how miserable it is to be with someone that is your polar opposite?
Infertility shook my sense of security but gave me a huge appreciation for all the blessings in my life, the big and the small ones. Pregnancy was not bliss, I was sick worried , so afraid knowing the fragility of it all. I held my breath for 8 months. The day she was born I let out a HUGE sigh of relief. We were back on track. There is a pic of me at the hospital right before deliver that you can see clearly this sense of relief. It was as if I could finally put my sward down and rest. I was a very tired and happy “warrior’ . It did not that look that I had to hear the warrior armour and fight again. I lost it this time. Fast forward. Life has settled into a new norm. I am a divorced single mother, career woman , daughter, friends with many. I have a world of possibility ahead of me and yet I feel so unsettled. I wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I am just going with the motions and I hate that. Things at work are not going well and I know that soon I will need to change directions but I have no idea what direction to go. The decision is all of me and weighs heavily on my shoulders. I know that I have to shake things up. I find myself being just mediocre and this is not me. But yet I am too tired to take huge steps. I know that I make no sense, this entire post does not make much sense, but these are the things that keep me awake at night. All I see ahead of me is a couple of feet the rest is so unknown, I don’t even have the illusion of thinking that I know anything as I did before. Some days I just want hear again; “its okay honey, don’t worry, we will figure something out, we will be okay”. I don’t mean by him, I don’t mean by no one in specific , I just want to share this load and be comforted when I feel unsettled.
There are moments that the tears come out of nowhere, they just creep in and I have a silent tired cry for a minute or so and I am ready to move on. I am tired of these lonely tears that creep in when I least expect it though. Writing helps a lot though , thanks for listening and caring.


"Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say"