AF keeps knocking at my door but hasn't showed up yet. I guess "she" is waiting to do a grand entrance on Mother's day weekend, just lovely! Of course I already POAS and of course it was a BFN. In the past 6 months I have been having 28 day cycles but just because is May I need some extra drama and it is already CD32. The only good news of this cycle is that I recheck my progesterone level (in what I thought was 7DPO but I guess it was only 4dpo) and progesterone was 11. I know that is not great, but it is much better than the 7.2 and 6.8 I got a few months ago. Maybe, just maybe, my body is finally getting back on track. During my last doc visit I also got my clomid prescription but I am debating if I should start this cycle or not. If AF comes today or tomorrow, ovulation should be here by the 24th or so... (last cycle with clomid I O very late) . The thing is that I have a nice trip (by myself) to Miami scheduled for the 26th and I would hate to take clomid and miss O. In addition, this is my graduation month , I am truly looking forward to the celebration and not worry about OPTs, temps, clomid side effects... Part of me thinks: what if this is the cycle and you are sitting it down to enjoy life???? But again, I have done that before, and nothing happened and I end up home, no baby, no vacation... And to be honest I am tired of putting all my plans on hold because of TTC. I want to have a baby more than anything, but I am going insane!!!!!!!!!! I am losing myself in the process, and that is no good either. I think that 7 peaceful days in Miami with a dear friend of mine (a fellow Stirrup queen who conceive through IVF and has a 1 year old baby girl) will be very good for me, especially before starting a new job in June. I wish DH could come but he has to work.
As for Mother’s day, I plan to call my mom and Grandmother in Brazil (I wish they were here. MISS YOU MOM AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY) and take MIL to dinner. I told DH that I have no strength for lunch with very pregnant SIL . He said he will do whatever I am comfortable with ( I love you honey). It will also be interesting at church, DH is playing (he is a drummer) so I will go . I only hope that I don’t cry when all the cute kids come out to sing for their moms. My Pastor and his wife know our “situation” and they also had problems conceiving (7 years= 2 IUI’s girls and I surprise boy). I wish that he finds a sensitive way to acknowledge the “wanna-be-moms” like me. Since so many other people know that we are TTC, I hope that nobody says something like “maybe next year will be a mom”, if they mean it I am ok, but if it is out of pity, please don’t say anything.
Lastly, I hope also that DH finds a way to acknowledge that I was a mother once; even for 7 weeks (does it count?) I certainly felt like one (Silly me). I don’t expect and don’t want this for anyone else but I really wish it would come from him. I guess I am not making munch sense, but somehow I crave this validation from my husband… or a “you will a good mother some day” kind of comment. I know that he thinks that, but I would love to hear it on Sunday.
Thank you all for the support and words of encouragement you always leave here. It means the world to me.
UPDATE*
AF is here, CD1 again ... I wish I did not care, I wish I did not feel as sad as I am feeling today. Oh well, I have no options I have to keep looking forward. I decided not to take clomid this cycle and enjoy my vacation in Miami (I can't wait)
9 comments:
You were a mother and you are a mother. I think motherhood begins early for some--before the child arrives. And motherhood can't be taken away. Even with loss.
Of course you are celebrated as a mother--even if it was brief--I wish you a happy mothers day! I am sorry it will be hard for all of us, but I am sure your lovely DH will be extra sweet to you this weekend=)
Mother's day has never been so sad as it is this year. I had such great hopes of how my mother's day would go. I would go to my mother's in law's house and we would discuss how the baby was doing etc. Well, I guess that's out now. Now, I can't even stomach going to her house. So sad. I hope you have a better one than I will.
I think Mother's Day should acknowledge those who desperately want to be mothers, and those like yourself who are mothers without babies.
I hope your day isn't too hard.
You're still a mother. Your little one is still out there. And you will be again.
I am dreading Mother's Day this year. I hope the day isn't too hard on you.
Have fun in Miami!
Cibele, I hope you were able to join the Braces Bunch. I'd love to send you something when you get on the list.
Mother's Day is tough when you're still not a mother. But it will happen. Because we are mothers at heart.
I hope Mother'd day wasn't too painful. I understand about the acknowledgement of your pregnancy. No one seems to remember that there was a loss, hopes and dreams were taken and I for one feel cheated.
I think you're wise with the Clomid. Try to be good to yourself and, if necessary, the Clomid will still be there next cycle.
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