I have so much on my mind but lately I lack the drive to write here. I am tired of writing about my headache, my worries.. because I kinda think that is its getting old. I am having a hard time closing this book just yet. I've turned many pages, made lot of progress, but I still can't look at my new life and find it normal. Hell, it is never never normal to see your 17 month old daughter leave with a overnight bag with her dad , to a house that I have never been , and watch them walk way... without me. To see her gettting anxious when she is with both of us because she knows already one us is leaving. The waves of emotions are hard to deal with especially now that Lyla is more aware. I hate him for that, I hate him for making her life so much more complicated, I hate that his decision changed the entire course of our lives. I am glad he is around for her because she loves her dad. I am glad that we are both getting over our differences for her sake. As a mother I have to be selfless, but sometimes I want to scream : HOW ABOUT ME???????
Now that she is older I feel less lonely. We "talk", we have fun, she gives me the sweetest hugs, we go out to dinner just the 2 of us, we go for walks, we read books... one night I could not sleep or I did not want to sleep trying to avoid my dreams. She woke up at 3 am. I brought her to bed with me. She stayed there awake, staring at the ceiling just like me... looking at me at times with her little arm over my hand. After while we slept and I had sweet dreams of us playing in the playground. When I am most sad , she seems to understand and I get extra hugs and smile. I love this girl to pieces. And for that I will forever love him, for giving me the most precious gift.
Happy 17 months my sweet girl.
5 comments:
What a bittersweet post. You and Lyla have been through so much in these 17 months. I am glad she is there for you as you are there for her.
What a beautiful relationship you have with your daughter. You really seem to understand each other. Your posts are so honest and beautiful. I hate that you have had so much heartache and difficulty, and I hope things are going to turn for the better for you soon.
Que post lindo, Ci! Chorei!Senti daqui o que você descreveu. Só de pensar (passei um final de semana daqueles com o marido por aqui..)nesta possibilidade...fico em pânico, e imagino o quão difícil está sendo pra você. Espero em Deus que você consiga superar tudo logo. Que possa se permitir news fellings, the good ones!!!! Mil beijos, torcendo sempre por você, Ciça
How difficult it is for you. A true bittersweet reflection of your life. It has to be hard -- and you seem to be doing well with that little girl.
That is sweet she put her hand over you almost to show you have someone special in your life. She appears to be your rock even though you might feel like crumbling.
Hang in there. You are doing great.
That's so hard. You're right. It's not fair that someone as young as little Lyla should have to go through the things she is feeling. But you are a wonderful mommy and I know you love her more than life itself.
Post a Comment