Monday, August 03, 2009
that familiar feeling
I remember when I turned 25, I blew my candle and I had no big wish , I was happy, I has all I wanted...a loving husband, my family, many friends, health, stability, my youth, my career. Soon after that came TCC, I longed to be a mother, I want I baby so much. I cried many tears of disappointment months after months. I remember looking at families, their beautiful babies , their pregnant bellies, and I felt inferior, not deserving to feel happy. Than I felt guilty because I had still had all that once made so happy, but yet I could no longer feel the same way I felt on my 25th birthday. Than I got my wish, my baby was here and I had it all. I felt at peace , finally I took a deep breath of relief, felt thankful and happy. the future was so "certain" and clear. This feeling lasted one "second" and my sense of security, being loved, complete, my family ... was taken way from me. I cried hard tears. I felt the ground being taken away from my feet. I felt robbed of my happiness. With time I learned to pick myself up , to breath again, I found a new " norm", but the happiness has not returned yet. I see young families at church, at the mall,blogs, everywhere and I feel that same old feeling of wanting what they have, wanting to belong, wanting not have to explain to my friends what happened, not having to tell them it is okay so they don't worry about me, not having to answer the question How are you doing and stare at the pity at people's eyes when I say the truth , wanting to to wake up on somebody arms, wake up without fearing about what's next.. than I feel guilty because I have what I prayed for so long, she is here, it is not fair for her. It is not right that I an unhappy when I once prayed: give me a baby God and I will be happy. I am tired of always WANTING, than feeling GUILTY for wanting more than I have... I am so tired of all of this. I do have happy moments, I laugh, I am making the best out of the circustances, but I am tired of this old feeling , I am tired of trying to fit into a mold. I am ready to be happy again...
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9 comments:
*hug*
Don't feel guilty that you're not HAPPY, Cibele. I'm realizing that as much as I love O - it doesn't mean instant happiness. EVER.
Let go of the guilt, hon. You deserve every bit of happiness I am hoping you'll find. Soon.
xxx
Hug.
and what Serenity said.
It seems that every time we get some happiness in our lives, something happens to cause us heartache and pain.
You are dealing very well with it and being a great mom to Lyla!
Also, don't assume it is pity in people's eyes, it is probably concern and love.
You deserve to be happy again and to be loved. You need someone to take care of you too and you shouldn't feel bad for wanting that. Just like you had an emptiness before you had a baby, you now have a new emptiness that your ex left you with. You are not only a mother, you are many other things and all of those things are what make you a complete person.
I didn't know I could feel so guilty until I became a mom, but there is truly nothing wrong with wanting things for yourself!
it's not just that we all have to accept a certain amount of unhappiness because nothing is ever perfect and we never have EVERYTHING we want. beyond that, you are facing HUGE challenges and doing it all without the basic support we all want and need. yes you have lots of people who love and support you and clearly you are a loving and thankful recipient, but there is every reason for you to feel the loss of a partner in raising your daughter. as the daughter of a single mom myself, i know you can be faced with it in almost anything you do and there's no reason to feel guilty about wishing that void was filled. it's not like you want a fancy watch or a sports car. having that person in your life, or whatever your vision is of a complete family, is a basic need we all have. it is possible to feel sad about that hole in your life and still be the wonderful person you are for appreciating your blessings. you do deserve to have it all and i hope you find true happiness again soon.
I am sincerely wishing for you that that all consuming feeling of happiness finds its way to you, and very, very soon.
I understand your quest for happiness. Wanting the perfect life and yet down the road a curve or a hill that you have to overcome. It really sounds/looks like you are making the best of the situation -just look at the beautiful little girl you have. Hang in there.
Cibele, I do not know what it is like to walk in your shoes, but I do understand the feelings you are talking about. I often feel insanely guilty because I should be happier. I have the most wonderful little person in my life, and I love her so much. Yet things are not the way I pictured them and everything is far from perfect. It's so hard. But I think that's just life...we have these wonderful pieces and these parts we would love to do without, but yet they all fit together and make our lives what they are. Even if they're not what we dreamed of as little girls. I truly hope that you are able to find everything that you need to make your life complete and happy.
I also want to thank you for your comment last night. I needed it. I cried so hard reading it, the reason being that I never would have dreamed that people I have never met in real life would understand me so well and support me through hard times. You are such a wonderful friend to me and I just want to thank you for being there. I hope that I can be that same kind of support for you when you need it.
I hope you will be happy again soon. But you will have to get there at your own pace, taking as long as it takes. No need to feel guilty about the time taken.
Bea
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