You are cordially invited to an imaginary Birthday Party
Where: 000 Happiness St, Dream City
When: June 13th , 2007.
Somewhere in a perfect world, there will be a special first birthday celebration of a very loved baby. Colorful balloons, love, laughter and happiness will fill out the place. Lots of cake and ice cream will be served. Memories will be shared, gifts will be opened, lots of pictures … Among the guests will be a very special girl, Ali. Her parents will explain why we refer to her as the miracle child and will be sharing the pictures of her birthday party that happened just a few days back (June 8th). The proud parents will look at all this and think that life could not be any sweeter…
Back to the real world… this day was suppose to happen , but never will , only on my dreams. Ali and my baby maybe are celebrating together, on their own way… Ali was born June 8th, 2006 with severe heart problems… she left us 6 months after. Her mom and I got PG together ,(I had a m/c early) and today we grief together. By no means I compare what I went through to the difficult pregnancy and child birth , 4 open heart surgeries, and all the heartbreaking expediencies of Ali’s short journey on earth. However , my heart is also broken today… I feel empty and lonesome. I am suppose to be over my loss long ago (I thought I was) and I don’t feel safe to share my pain with nobody (except you guys). I can’t even bring myself to dream about motherhood as I once did. Yesterday I made a comment about how I am having even a hard time praying about my fertility issues , that I feel that I’ve said it all to God. I’ve bagged, cried, and now I just feel numb. His reply was that my “negative” attitude was ruining what being a parent once meant to him, that I should be careful not to be scarred for life ( I guess I already am). He wants to talk about how it will be once we have I child, how the baby will look like, how great it will be when it finally happens. Unfortunately right now this kind of thinking actually makes me sad because it reminds me of all I don’t have and how much I want to be a mom. I know he means well, he is a great and supportive husband and he does not get it… at least one of us is still sane
Any way, Happy birthday baby! I hope you have fun
Where: 000 Happiness St, Dream City
When: June 13th , 2007.
Somewhere in a perfect world, there will be a special first birthday celebration of a very loved baby. Colorful balloons, love, laughter and happiness will fill out the place. Lots of cake and ice cream will be served. Memories will be shared, gifts will be opened, lots of pictures … Among the guests will be a very special girl, Ali. Her parents will explain why we refer to her as the miracle child and will be sharing the pictures of her birthday party that happened just a few days back (June 8th). The proud parents will look at all this and think that life could not be any sweeter…
Back to the real world… this day was suppose to happen , but never will , only on my dreams. Ali and my baby maybe are celebrating together, on their own way… Ali was born June 8th, 2006 with severe heart problems… she left us 6 months after. Her mom and I got PG together ,(I had a m/c early) and today we grief together. By no means I compare what I went through to the difficult pregnancy and child birth , 4 open heart surgeries, and all the heartbreaking expediencies of Ali’s short journey on earth. However , my heart is also broken today… I feel empty and lonesome. I am suppose to be over my loss long ago (I thought I was) and I don’t feel safe to share my pain with nobody (except you guys). I can’t even bring myself to dream about motherhood as I once did. Yesterday I made a comment about how I am having even a hard time praying about my fertility issues , that I feel that I’ve said it all to God. I’ve bagged, cried, and now I just feel numb. His reply was that my “negative” attitude was ruining what being a parent once meant to him, that I should be careful not to be scarred for life ( I guess I already am). He wants to talk about how it will be once we have I child, how the baby will look like, how great it will be when it finally happens. Unfortunately right now this kind of thinking actually makes me sad because it reminds me of all I don’t have and how much I want to be a mom. I know he means well, he is a great and supportive husband and he does not get it… at least one of us is still sane
Any way, Happy birthday baby! I hope you have fun
*****************************************
UPDATE:
Thank you all for the kind words. I feel much better today. I cried and prayed for healing and today my heart is filling up with hope again for the upcoming clomid cycle.
I went to the funeral of Kelsey Smith , the girl that was kidnapped and murderer in the past weak here in Kansas . She was a beautiful 18 year old with a full life ahead of her. Seeing her parents standing there by her daughter’s casket put it all into prospective for me... Some other people have much much worse than I do. Please pray for the family.
Thank you all for the kind words. I feel much better today. I cried and prayed for healing and today my heart is filling up with hope again for the upcoming clomid cycle.
I went to the funeral of Kelsey Smith , the girl that was kidnapped and murderer in the past weak here in Kansas . She was a beautiful 18 year old with a full life ahead of her. Seeing her parents standing there by her daughter’s casket put it all into prospective for me... Some other people have much much worse than I do. Please pray for the family.
12 comments:
I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I can't imagine what having a m/c is like, but I do know grief, and with time it WILL get easier. Until then my friend, know that I'm here as are many others (braces bunch!) for you to lean on if you need us!
xoxo
Lara
I'm very sorry that you're having such a hard time. I haven't been through a m/c, but anniversaries and holidays are often tough times when memories of a loved one come back. I hope you find some peace of mind.
i'm sorry about the sad anniversary. there is no such thing as "should be over it" at times like that. i'm sorry too you and your husband are in such different places on this. they seem to handle these things so differently, it can be really hard to find mutual understanding.
I'm so sorry - big hug.
I am so sorry that this is such a painful time...I loved the beautiful post, and I hope you find peace of mind and comfort...
I'm so, so sorry! The pain you feel is so normal and I hope you find peace. I came by to thank you for all the kind words you sent to me in the mail and I find myslef at a lose for words right now. Your note really touched me. You are an incredible woman I wish you all the best!
It does get easier, but it can still hit you at times, sometimes when you're not expecting it. I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you. Don't feel like you 'should' be over it. You feel how you feel and that's fine. You don't have to justify it to yourself or anyone else.
As for your husband, I think it's just the way of things. They don't have the same connection. It wasn't physical. Sometimes I think my husband is too positive about the future. He's basing it on nothing but hopes. But then I realise someone has to. So maybe he sees that as his job?
Such a painful anniversary. A m/c is very much a loss, and time for grieving is important.
I'm sorry this is such a tough time. I wish it were easier.
Thank you for the post on my blog. Yes, I did get your beautiful card -- even the envelope was lovely! I sent out a batch of cards on Friday so hopefully you'll see yours soon.
In the meantime, hang in there. I'm thinking of you and sending lots of warm, fuzzy wishes your way.
This is a beautiful post. I'm so sorry for what you are going through right now. I can imagine all the painful memories this day must bring for you. But grief does heal with time and I hope you feel better soon. Big hugs to you.
Hugs Cibele!
So sorry... Abração querida!
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