A letter to my girl

Dear Baby
Marry Christmas! That was the best Christmas that I ever had because you are here with us. I’ve waited for this for so so long. I remember last year during this time, I felt so empty and sad and now here I am filled with happiness because of you. Feeling you moving is just phenomenal and I could not have asked for a better gift. But I have to confess something, happiness and joy are not the only things on my heart these days. I am filled with fear and worry. I worry about you all the time, so much so that is becoming unbearable. From day one, actually even before you came to be, I worried about you. I first worried if I would be ever able to conceive... I waited for almost 3 years and than came the 2 lines and I worried about the beta values…. After that came symptom watch, they came and went and I wondered if you were really here, if the pregnancy was progressing well. One happy morning.. "There it is, a heartbeat (127 bpm") said the doctor. Really doctor, really? I replied amazed by what I saw and heard. Daddy and I were so happy and thankful. What a relief! Even though now I knew that you were here, the joy did not last long, because I worried if you were growing and developing properly… I was afraid to lose you like our first baby. Morning sickness, hungry and sleepy all the time, heartburn, you name it, I had it all and I loved it every minute of it!!! except for the UTI at 9 weeks(not fun). I counted the days to 12 weeks, they say that I would feel safer after that. However, before the 12 weeks came I saw the blood… OMG, my worries just multiplied a 1000 fold. I ran to the doctor’s office to find out that you were okay (thank God!). What a scare, what a relief! I rested for a few days and the counting down to 12 weeks continued. 12 WEEKS, 2nd trimester, YAY!!!!!! Wait a minute, I am still worrying. What’s now mom? You might ask…. Why am I not showing yet? why my symptoms went way? a few weeks after that I finally popped. I definitely looked pregnancy at 16 weeks and I loved it. Now I can breathe and enjoy the ride right? In a few weeks I would know if you were a boy or a girl. Before that I waited to feel you move for the first time, and it happened at 16 weeks, YAY! But why don’t I feel you all the time??? Is it suppose to feel like kicks yet? Sometimes I stood still for minutes trying to feel you, and when it happened I could not happen and just giggle and thank God for you. 19 weeks, IT’S a GIRL! Our girl…our precious little girl. The sonogram showed us something else as well. I little cyst on your head! My heart dropped to the floor . Everything else looked good , but that little cyst took my peace way. I want to enjoy this experience , I promise baby but I am still worrying . Dr. goggle says that the odds are good , a second sono 2 weeks after showed that the cyst is smaller and that you’re still growing and moving as you should. Christmas time, what I joy! . An unexpected Christmas gift put me on my toes again. UTI, cystitis, traces of blood and sugar in my urine, pain … I called my doctor several times, I even went to see the Midwife on Christmas even. I demanded to be checked, I want to hear and make sure that your little house is closed. UTI it is, so it looks, off I went back home with my little pills. Now, it will be fine right? I have some magic pills that makes me pee orange and makes my pain go way. Now I am worrying about something else. I know that is TMI but I have to vent , one day you will understand me. You’re a girl, right? After my pelvic exam I starting having some clear mucous discharge, can it be that I am going in pre –term labor? that this my mucous plug? Please baby, please stay there, it is too soon, it is too soon. I have no pain, just that thick mucous discharge. I am sick and worried again , like a dark cloud above my head that follows me every where , even though I pretend that it is not there. Tomorrow I’ll call doctor again, and they make me feel like I am a paranoiac first time mom, just worrying for nothing because I am clueless. Little do they know that my problem is the opposite, I know too much. I wish I didn’t , I wish that I could let it go and focus on you, only you… my dearest daughter. I feel like a nut, the doctors and nurses certainly make me feel like one because I cant stop worrying , asking, searching , wondering…after all it is in my nature to do all these things. However, now is different because I feel that I am fighting for you, and if there is anything that I can do to protect you , I will, I promise that I will.On the other hand , I bet that this will never end, I will always worry about you, because you and your dad are the most precious things in my life, and losing you is not a option anymore… I will lose myself if this happens. Stay here, be healthy and I promise that I will do all in my power to always protect you . I don’t know if I will always be successful, but be sure that I will try!
Please know that I not only worry , but I also pray, pray to God protect you, because He, on the other hand, never fails!
Love you
Your mom