Thursday, January 31, 2008
I AM A DRAMA QUEEN
Today I am feeling defeated… I managed to have 3 major freaked out in the last 3 weeks. I am definitely not handling the stress of pregnancy well. I worry too much, I overreact… I call my doctor too often, I cry too much… Since Tuesday I was not feeling much movement. Last night I did not feel anything and this kept me awake through the night. I poked her, bagged , prayed and still did not feel her moving. In the morning I almost overdosed in caffeine (I cup of coffee, I can of coke and chocolate), I stayed on my side for one hour and felt her move only once. As the minutes passed and she was not moving I panicked and started crying desperately. Finally I decided to called the doctor around 7:30. She called me back and I was still crying. She told me to go have a sono (my second in one month!) and perform a non stress test. Baby passed the test within the first 15 minutes of the sono. They counted the movements and she seems fine and active, playing with her feet and hands, blowing bubbles). I could not feel most of the movements, maybe because she is in awkward position (head and feet up and button down, like in an “U” shape). Placenta looks good, amminiotic liquid levels just normal. I asked how big she is but the tech said that my doc only requested a movement scan, not a growth scan. I did not want to push the issue since I was so exhausted already but I would have been nice to know. Both of my doctor and the sono tech were extremely nice with me, they did not make me feel paranoiac or being unreasonable for have called (lets see what my isn will think about this, 2 sonos in one month + the level 2 will probably not sit well with them). DH on the other hand, gave a long speech on our way home.. that I have to learn to let it go, to enjoy the pregnancy to stop worrying … he asked me if it is going to be like that once she is here, if I will freak out with every little thing… I feel awful and exhausted. The feeling that I have is that I’ve used the same “panic card” too often and it is becoming not believable and if God forbid something happen nobody will believe me anymore. In every other area of my life I seem to have a grip on things, but when it comes to my pregnancy I am totally lost and get easily overwhelmed. Does anybody else feel this way? How can I let it go?
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14 comments:
I wish i had anbswers for you - I haven't called the dr but a few times regarding my MFM appointment that STILL ISN'T schedule which grates on my nerves. But i Think these things that you are thinking I just don't admit to them .. so I am not any help
Honestly, I don't know the answers but freak outs are happening to me too. Also, your husband isn't the one who is pregnant and perhaps he just doesn't/can't understand your concerns.
You are so not a drama queen- You are hormonal, pregnant and scared. So what if there's a little paranoia there- I dont think you're abnormal at all! Remember youre being safe and the little person you are trying to protect will thank you for doing everything you can to make sure she's safe. You'd do it for her outside your belly, so why not when she's inside? It is so hard to tell someone what is normal and what is not. You need the reassurance and you cant prevent the panic from setting in. I think you having that reassurance is safer than any risk you can take. Keep calling that doctor- thats what theyre there for. To make sure your baby is safe :)
Yes it would be nice to sit back and relax and enjoy the pregnancy and I think you ARE doing that- but we all have different intuitions, fears, and concerns. Youre a mommy silly...let the freak outs begin! Remember I peed myself and thought my water broke and called in swat teams and the national guard. Yeah I felt like a weenie after when I found out everything was fine, but would I do it again? YUP!
That was me. And you know what REALLY helped me? I rented a baby doppler. And so i listened to her heartbeat every single day, multiple times a day. If I didn't feel her move in awhile, I turned it on and listened. And that calmed me down many many times. I really recommend it.
I don't know if this helps, for me, I repeated "I have no indication that this will NOT work out" a LOT. Mostly early on, before I felt movement. But it really helped me overcome the panic whenever I worried. Your little girl is doing just fine in there from everything they've seen.
The other thing - maybe you want to talk with your doctor about the fear and trying to manage it? I do know that women who have suffered with IF for so long are much more likely to have something like PPD... you might be having something related - pregnancy anxiety. Which could be hormonal even. Your OB might be able to help with it.
Just a suggestion, feel free to shoot it down. I just hate to see you so sad about this. And I'm not sure a lecture from your DH to "just let it go" will do much to help.
BTW, I do NOT think you drama queen either.
Hugs hon.
I think your husband's reaction probably comes from yours - when you get scared, he gets scared. Pregnancy is scary because you want your baby to be ok so badly. What helped me was yoga. You can find some really good pre-natal videos that can help. E-mail me if you want the links. It helped me. You're not a drama queen - just a mom. :)
I'm sorry you are feeling this way... I have no answers for you. :(
Cibele, my mantra was "just for today".
I felt that if I focused only in the NOW instead of thinking about all that could happen, it was easier to deal with. Whenever I felt sacred (and I had my share of ER visits and phone calls to doctors) i tried to think about the way I was feeling at that moment (and I was usually ok) and try to push away scary thought. Easier said than done, naturally, but completely feasible.
You'll see that things won't get better after she is born (by the wau, does she have a name yet?): on the contrary! I spent my fisrt night with Ana Clara wide awake because I thought she'd stop breathing any moment! THat's all past now, I am much more relaxes. I do feel scared, but I try to direct my energy towards things that really need my attention. You're NOT alone (and sorry for the huge post!)
I am so happy everything is okay!
As for the anxiety--frankly, after dealing with infertility and it being your first pregnancy--you have every right to feel and act the way you have. As neenie said--"let the freak outs begin!"
Side note: you "may" freak out with her--and that's fine! My first time clipping my son's finger nails I cut his thumb nail too close, and his thumb starting bleeding. I was calm--until it wouldn't stop--yep, to the ER!!! (Where, as we waited, it stopped). It happens--you are a mom! :-)
Two things: I think it's very understandable that you're freaking out. You're not a bad person for doing it!
But I also think it would be better if you could learn to manage the stress.
How? Gosh. That's where my practical advice dries up - right where it's needed.
I am trying to ask myself if everything is within normal ranges and if it's probably going to be fine, and then focus on that. So instead of "there's a small chance things could go wrong" I'm trying to remind myself that "it's almost certainly going to be ok". Because that's the truth. No matter how much *could* happen, the fact is it probably won't.
I also found (during IVF) that music worked well to alter my mood. If I wanted to feel confident, I could put on some music that makes me feel confident, and soon the stress would start to get down to a manageable level.
Bea
Oh Sweetie, you are not being a drama queen. We all wish that we were able to get pregnant easily and wouldn't have to worry when we finally did get pregnant. But that's not how things unraveled for us...we got pregnant after a long road of disappointments and heartache. And so, of course, we're going to worry. You're reacting normally for someone who had to deal with what you had to deal with in the past.
But I agree with the other commenter here...maybe go out and rent a doppler so that you can hear the baby's heartbeat? There's nothing like that beautiful sound. =)
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All I can think are things like maybe a yoga class (for pregnancy) or guided meditations, things that would help you get centered. Try to realize that being strong and calm and happy is the best thing for you and your baby.
Sending you some zen!
After reading your blog as a lurker for awhile - it seems that your baby's movement is a little less than some other babies. All the websites say that you will get to know your baby, their movements, their busy times, their sleepy times, etc. Like I know my baby moves a lot between 9 and 11 p.m. I would just chalk it up to the facts that #1 your baby sits in a position where you can't feel her always, and #2 your baby doesn't move a whole lot. That is your baby! Her personality! Embrace it and try not to worry - even though it is so hard. Soon she will be here and you will get to stare at her for hours and hours and all will be well!!! :)
Cibele - as you can tell from my blog, I have been extremely worried about EVERYTHING as well. Each person has a different kind of pregnancy (some are relaxed and carefree - although I'm yet to meet one of them! - while others are worry-bugs, like us) and each pregnancy is different from the other. I think that what is important is that we accept our fears as they come, and that we realize that is OK to feel whichever way we feel. We can't jugde ourselves and expect that we act a "certain way", as there is only one way to be: we should be... just the way we are.
PS: All the crazy hormones don't help either....
I'll shoot you an e-mail. Mine is mourap@pweh.com (moro em Connecticut, vc??). Mil beijos, B~
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